Everyone knows the key to surviving the munchies is to never start eating when you’re high. But since you’ll never do that, here are a bunch of healthful snacks you can have throughout the day to at least try to balance out the damage your high cravings will do to your innocent body tonight.
Berries are teeny tiny so their calories practically don’t count. These fresh, juicy treats will hopefully make up for the fact that later tonight you’ll do an hour-long taste test to decide whether you like toasted Pringles or cold Pop-tarts more, only to discover that you don’t like either but they’re all gone. Hopefully the berries in your tummy will somehow counteract this whole thing.
Handful of Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
A small handful of chocolate chips is the best way to get your sweet fix without overdoing it. These semi-sweet morsels might curb your sober cravings, but they can’t stop your high self from re-downloading the Seamless app to your phone and ordering a cheeseburger with a side of grilled cheese because you cannot decide which, so why not eat both? And also eat donut-filled donuts until the food arrives.
Even sober, you probably won’t eat raw vegetables because they are the paperwork of food. But you can get some of their nutrients from eating a small serving of veggie-type foods, like veggie crisps. Then, later on, you can drown out all that hard work by eating cookies nonstop for six hours until you have to stop, only because you can’t move enough to get yourself more food, and then you fall asleep.
Peanut Butter on Stuff
Peanut butter is a tasty way to get protein as long as you limit yourself to a tablespoon or two. Spread it on a rice cake or a banana and enjoy that savory stickiness. Just don’t let your high self find the peanut butter. And for god’s sake, hide the jelly! You’ll slather that shit on anything and… never mind, it’s too late. She already knows.
When you spend your nights as a dumping ground for unnatural substances, you should spend your days eating well. It probably won’t balance out, but at least you tried, which is more than you can say for when you’re high.