4 Status Updates That Are Honestly Not Even About You, Kendall

I’ve often been told I have no filters, and the same could be said for my Facebook. I like to vent on Facebook about various things going on in my life, but I’m not the kind of person that would hide behind my Facebook to say how I really feel, no matter what Kendall may be saying about me behind my back. Here are four status updates that really could have been about anyone or anything, but for some reason you think it’s about you, Kendall.


“Today just proves that you could never trust people, even ones close to you.”

This status update is pretty vague, so I’m surprised you would assume that it’s about you, Kendall. Sure, you betrayed my trust today by eating my almond honeysuckle yogurt out of the work fridge but honestly not every status update I write is about you. Honestly, my trust is betrayed on a daily basis and just because you betrayed my trust is such an intimate way on the same day I wrote this status, doesn’t mean I would broadcast that! But if you do have internalized guilt about this status, maybe that’s more of a reflection on your actions than my social media presence.


“What do you do if someone asks you to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, but you consider her to be more of an acquaintance?”

Please don’t think this status update is about your specific wedding, Kendall. In my female friend group, there is such a large range of women who are engaged so the chances of me directing this at you are pretty slim, even though you just asked me to be in your bridal party yesterday. Do you think it’s surprising that I have a lot of really close friends? I’m actually debating being in a lot of acquaintances’ weddings so this one’s not about you, Kendall!


“Throwing a housewarming party this weekend! If you’ve ever left a period stain on my eggshell white futon, you’re not welcome.”

This status update is simply an invitation to a party, and the fact that you would internalize it is pretty shocking. Sure, Kendall, you left a period stain on my futon from Restoration Hardware last year, but I told you I’m not mad anymore, so why are you bringing that up? Not to brag, but I have had lots of eggshell white futons in my life, so why would I hold a grudge over one futon incident? This status update is in reference to a different girl who soiled my futon and is no longer in my life, so by all means, come to my party, if you feel like you won’t destroy any of my stuff like you did last time.


“Kendall is a pathetic know-it-all in an oversized pashmina. Yes, you know who you are.”

Okay, okay, now I know this one seems like it’s about you, but it’s actually a lot more nuanced than you think. You’re probably remembering how you corrected me in front of all our friends over the pronunciation of “croissant” and shamed me for not listening to NPR this morning and are currently wearing an oversized pashmina, but I have lots of friends name Kendall, not to mention the millions of Kendalls that have the same taste in pashminas as you.  So like I said, wrong Kendall, and it’s really selfish of you to think it’s about oyu, but also remember that I introduced you to ‘This American Life’ so the fact that you would taunt me about it is sort of ironic. Anyways, it’s a different Kendall!


I’ve worked hard to curate a whimsical and accessible social media presence, so much so that people may often wonder if I’m speaking directly to them via my status update. But honestly I’m not and if someone were to assume that I was, then they should do some self-reflection about the way they treated me that would make them so paranoid. Oh my god, it’s not you, Kendall!