Want to be a lady in the streets, but a face-down-ass-up-dirty-little-baby-freak-girl-ass-bitch in the sheets? Of course you do—and you deserve to live that dream! But what are you supposed to do at work when you have rug burns starting to scab over on your scalp and forehead? Your hairline is jagged from burying your face in the rug while getting your pussy pounded, and you’ve got a meeting with corporate in 20 minutes! Do not worry. We’ve got some of the most stylish headbands to cover up the disgusting remnants of that amazing sex.
The New Englander
Simple, cotton, and safe: This choice perfectly channels the WASPy, New England-y ethos of “Who, me? Oh no, I don’t even HAVE a vagina.” One second you’re watching Charlotte York reluctantly encounter a generous foot fetishist, and the next you’re spending your weekend tied up in a sex dungeon with your ass waving in the air like you just need to be told by Sir whether or not you don’t care. This simple headband will let you cover up the devil inside you AND look good at SoulCycle.
The Loud and Proud
Hey there, you little pecker hound: you slayed some D and now you’re gonna show it off! Why hide how good you feel? Let the gossips at Publix talk their talk; they’re just jealous you’re getting plowed! Make sure as much as your scalp as possible is showing with this stylish 90s throwback. If anyone deigns to comment on your appearance, tell them to talk to the hand, ‘cuz the forehead is recovering!
The Brett Michaels
Rock of Love? More like “rock to the head”! That oriental rug in Gideon’s refurbished loft was stunning until your face spent six hours eating it while your puss had all its dreams come true. This headband is perfect for fresh coital burns that need to be re-dressed every few hours. Your friends will be like “Is that a different bandana from the one you were wearing three hours ago? You are the ultimate trendsetter!” You’ll never tell! (Actually, you will. Be real. You love to tell.)
The “I’ve Never Come Like That Before”
WOW. Yes. Okay. Fuck. Your shit got fucked so good, you literally have a bald spot at the top of your head. The head you once recognized as your own has been totally sacrificed to the gods of pleasure. Cover it all up. This is between you and your yoni and no one else!
The “You Don’t Get Fashion”
So his parents had a Berber carpet. Youch! There’s no way to avoid getting actual medical assistance in this scenario. We’ve got a little trick to anchor you back to your fashion-loving, 9-to-5 persona: confidence! Slap on a pastiche of your favorite Band-Aid products and let society TRY and be brave enough to question your style. Next thing you know, Kanye will have Kim going out in a bandage dress made from actual bandages! Fashion!!!
Throw on one of these scab-covers and your vanilla boss will be none the wiser. So keep on freaking, you kinky queen!
