Having Sex With You Didn’t ‘Turn’ Me Gay. But Yes, You Are Bad at Sex

It is well known that sexuality exists on a spectrum. And while I have always had an inkling that I was not completely straight, compulsory heterosexuality kept me shackled in hetero unions for much of my adult life. So regardless of what you seem to think right now, sleeping with you did not “turn” me gay. However, I want to assure you that you are still are very bad at sex. Like, wow. Bad.


You also may be wondering why I posted pictures adorned in rainbow print at a Pride parade just a month after we hooked up. It was not because you spent half an hour rubbing my labia so chaotically that I developed a heat rash (It still stings when I pee). It also was not the fact that you wanted to finger me after you had just finished a bag of Takis and did not wash your hands. Those incidents were strangely forgivable. It was because I am fundamentally attracted to women – not because you asked me if I “came” after just kind of wiggling around on top of me for five minutes.


But that didn’t delay the process, either.



Can we acknowledge the self-absorption and arrogance it takes to think you can alter the course of someone’s sexuality? Our society already does not take woman loving woman relationships seriously. But I must say, after I had to comfort you because you cried about cumming too fast, I did immediately change Tinder settings to only show me women in my area. These two things are not related but not unrelated, if that makes sense.


I just need a partner who is not going to accidentally pee inside of me, and I don’t mean that that’s a having-a-penis thing; I mean that’s a you thing. I know it was a mistake, but it did happen more than once so maybe you should get that checked out.


So, although you are not responsible for my gay awakening, I want to drive home the fact that you are a terrible sexual partner. Maybe you should try taking some classes or watching tutorials because it is almost impressive how bad you are at this. Happy Pride!