Edna Townsend of Maplewood, NJ, succeeded in besting her own 2014 record for number of “moist” exclamations at her family’s Thanksgiving dinner this year. It was an unexpected achievement according to her grandchildren, Lily and Michael Townsend, who bore witness to the colossal verbal feat. “We didn’t think she could top last year,” exclaimed Michael. “But by God, she did. She said ‘moist’ a sickening number of times.”
Statistics seemed against the 78-year-old retired schoolteacher who used the adjective “moist” eight times to describe various foods at Thanksgiving 2014. “To beat that, we knew pretty much everything would need to be moist—the turkey, the carrots, the brownies, even the biscuits—and she’d have to make note of all of it,” explained Lily. “And each utterance made me die a little bit on the inside.”
By the end of dessert, Grandma was still behind her record with a total of five unique “moist” exclamations. “Nothing seemed out of the ordinary,” said Michael. However, Edna Townsend rallied for the record when in a fit of nostalgia she dropped three post-dessert m-bombs in the family room, adding her name once again to the history books with a sum total of eleven cries of “Mmm, so moist!”
Such a feat does not come without sacrifices, however. “I can’t tell you how many appetites we’ve lost over the course of the years,” exclaimed George Townsend, Mrs. Townsend’s son and father to Lily and Michael. Sources attest that the family could be seen cringing through polite nods with each exclamation. When asked if they thought it was possible for Mrs. Townsend to top the charts again next Thanksgiving, George let out a wearied sigh. “Anything’s possible. She’s clearly got plenty of ‘moists’ left in her.”
Bringing everyone back down to reality, the practical Debra Townsend reminded us all of the role that providence surely plays in such a spectacular achievement. “Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves! Who knows, I might accidentally overcook the turkey next year,” she warned with the slightest hint of a smile. With a whisper, she added, “You’re not the only moist queen at this feast, bitch. Moist. Moist. Moist.”
