In a story out of an assisted living facility, Dina Eppes just turned 100, and is already starting to make it her entire personality.
“She used to talk about other things,” Dina’s daughter, Katelyn, told reporters. “Birds, the weather…now it’s just, “Oh, I’m 100,” or “It’s crazy how I’m probably going to die soon,” and it’s like, we get it! It’s just getting stale at this point.”
Dina said that since turning 100, her mortality has come into even sharper focus, but her family really didn’t want to hear about that.
“There she goes again with the ‘after I turned 100 bullshit,’” said Dina’s granddaughter, Margo. “It’s all she ever talks about these days.”
Sources close to Dina say that she has lost so much of her luster since she made turning 100 her entire personality.
“She keeps wondering how many days she has to live, and always tries to ‘cherish the time she has left with us,’ and it’s like, damn, can’t we just chill?” Margo said. “We used to go to the park and the farmers’ market and stuff, but ever since she turned 100, she doesn’t want to or can’t for age-related reasons.”
Margo added that, now, whenever she and her grandma hangout, all Dina wants to do is impart her hard-earned knowledge with her granddaughter before she passes.
“I don’t want to be rude, but at what point can I be like, ‘I don’t want to hear about how scared you are to die anymore’?” Margo asked reporters, who truly had no idea when would be the right time to broach that topic. “Maybe when she turns 101 this little phase will be over. If not, she’ll definitely stop talking about it when she’s dead.”
Reporters all collectively gasped at this statement, horrified that Margo would say something so crass.
“Jesus, I’m not saying I want her to die,” Margo explained. “I’m just saying that if she were dead, it would be a lot harder for her to explain to me about how people often only really discover themselves after they turn 50. Oh, and that I shouldn’t fear aging, but embrace it? It’s just getting annoying at this point is all I’m saying.”
Dina confirmed that she was definitely coming back to haunt Margo after she died because, “That girl definitely has some lessons to learn that only someone who has turned 100 can teach.”
As of press time, reporters went to spend some time with Dina because they felt bad for how poorly her family seemed to be treating her. However, by the time they left, they kind of agreed that she was leaning too much into the “I’m 100” thing.
