It’s hard to shop for moms. The gift you choose should represent your feelings for her and also be something she deems useful. What does that even leave? Well, there’s one gift that’s absolutely perfect for any mom that’s technically something you already own: you gotta stop wearing that sweatshirt. You know the one. Stop it. Stop it now.
How could you retire your beloved sweatshirt? The one Mom calls, “that ratty old sweatshirt.” You wear this sweatshirt so often you’d think of it as a uniform if it didn’t feel so good. It’s the sweatshirt you don’t even have to wash, the sweatshirt you love more than most people in your “inner circle.” And you know full well Mom hates it. Couldn’t possibly hate it any more at all. What can you do? Moms hate stains.
Like many of the best gifts, her subtle hints about the sweatshirt started some years ago. “That’s really starting to pill, sweetie,” she would say. Or, “How about wearing any of the other the shirts you own, hmm?” Until finally, she’s practically handing you her Christmas wishlist as you come into the kitchen in the morning and she responds, “God, don’t you have any self-respect?” That’s when you say to yourself, “I gotta do this. For Mom.”
Imagine the shock, the utter disbelief, the sheer joy she will feel when she tears open a wrapped package with just a note inside that says, “I’m going to stop wearing that sweatshirt.” Take it off right after she reads it, for dramatic effect (make sure you wear a nice blouse underneath). Once she’s gotten past the idea that you’re not just “being a real smartass,” watch your mother unleash the most unadulterated tears of joy she’s ever shed in her life.
The bliss of this moment never be touched; not even your own birth. God, maybe you will get it together! Maybe you will, finally, meet a man. Maybe you won’t be the worst-dressed cousin at the holidays. Maybe she will be able to eat a meal without losing her appetite just by looking at you. Maybe, just maybe, you’re becoming a real adult. And this, this is the greatest gift of all.
If she’s a really good mom, you can even lead her to the Yule Log on the open fire and let her burn it. Merry Christmas, indeed!