In a brilliant development out of Davenport, IA, Stacy Hewes has invented the long-awaited gloryhole solely for holding hands, and people everywhere are rejoicing about the new technological breakthrough.
“Everyone loves a gloryhole,” Stacy told reporters. “It’s thrilling, anonymous, and fun, but I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘What if it could be for friendly, fleeting moments of G-rated intimacy instead?’ That’s when the gloryhole for holding hands was born.”
Stacy unveiled the historic invention and her local park bathroom, which brought a clamoring crowd along with it.
“It looks like a normal gloryhole, but it’s so much more,” one crowd member, who preferred to stay anonymous, said. “I can’t wait to stick my hand in there and bond with a random stranger! Friendship has never been more exciting, or more scandalous!”
Stacy also made an inspiring speech about what it took for her to get to this point, and what it means for her and her community.
“It wasn’t easy to carve a big hole out of this stall door,” Stacy told the crowd, trying to contain her emotion. “But after one long day of work, I’m so proud to display something for everyone to connect with each other anonymously without it being sexual at all. This is for everyone who’s too afraid of using a gloryhole in the regular way!”
Stacy went on to speak for a few minutes more, but it wasn’t possible to hear her over the clapping and cheers of the ecstatic crowd.
At press time, the gloryhole for holding hands currently had a line stretched around two city blocks, with everyone in it excited to make nonsexual contact with a total stranger. Stacy also announced a new business venture she’s currently working on.
“Okay, get this: Sex parties, but you just kind of hang out,” she told reporters. “Like, nothing sexual at all. Just talking. I think it’ll be a huge hit.”
