You really thought you had America’s media-addicted, binge-watching, garbage people of a population by the balls, Netflix, but not me. Not this time.
I mean, come on. Fuller House? There’s no way that house is fuller, because that dog is definitely dead. Think about it: The average lifespan for a Golden Retriever is 10-12 years. Full House ran from 1987–1995. Want some quick math? It’s 2016! That dog would have to be at least 21 years old by now! And that number is way low, because you know he was alive before the show ended—he was on the show! You can Google that information, Netflix.
Nuh-uh. Not buying it. If they have a dog, it’s a different dog. No question.
Even if that dog were still alive, you would be morally obligated to put it out of its misery. Like, legally, you would have to kill it. And who wants to see a dead dog on camera? No way is the props department going to OK a rotting animal corpse decomposing across Uncle Jessie’s lap. It’s a family show, dimwits! Uncle Jessie is cool, but he is not the type of guy who’ll put up with an decrepit canine carcass oozing all over his leather jacket. He needs that jacket to look cool! It’s incredibly important to his fragile sense of self!
Did these clowns even WATCH Full House?!?
The American public won’t be buying into this type of propaganda, Netflix. Wikipedia is a public resource, hate to tell you. I WAS correct in thinking that Buddy—AKA “Comet”—has been dead since 1998, but I did not know that he was also the dog that played Buddy in American basketball classic Air Bud. What an amazing and full life he lived—but now he is dead, and there’s no bringing him back, especially when you no longer have a monopoly on streaming content. Hear that, Netflix?
How dare you? How dare you defame the legacy of this perfect specimen of a golden retriever, this gift unto our unconditional love-craving souls, who gave his life for our entertainment? Word on the street is you’re replacing him with a puppy. A PUPPY?! Comet was a strong adult male dog. He was everything Danny Tanner wanted to be—the adorable glue that held the family together. But Danny Tanner’s too neurotic to be adorable, and everyone knows dogs heal wounds that even time can’t touch.
The Olsen Twins aren’t coming back to the show, either. Are you planning to replace them with A SECOND PAIR OF TWINS?! I didn’t think so. So, why would you show less respect for a more talented canine actor? Has Mary Kate OR Ashley ever had to be both a children’s basketball team’s star player AND the keeper of a young boy’s lost adolescent soul?! Please. They don’t have that kind of emotional depth.
Hey, Netflix: That house might as well be empty. You know it, I know it, and the American people will not stand for it.
To the rest of you patriots being forced to grieve a national treasure all over again: This is the type of injustice that can only be rectified with a petition on Change.org—so that’s exactly what I’ve done. Do the right thing and pay tribute to this beautiful beast of an actor by adding your name here and letting Netflix know that there is no replacement for perfection, that the American people are awake to their deception, and that we will not stand for the blatant disrespect of an icon.
Listen, ain’t no rules says a dog can’t win an Academy Award over a decade after he died, and I think we could all stand to revisit the American classic Air Bud if we have any doubts. You don’t see them making Air Bud II, do you?
