In a developing story out of Chicago, Sarah Anderson told her friend Liza that she’s not comfortable talking politics right now before she launched into an extremely detailed play-by-play of how she absolutely got railed last night by some guy named Brady.
“I know Biden has some plan about healthcare or whatever but that stuff just makes me feel, like, so uneasy,” explained Anderson. “Can we keep the convo to something more light like the weather or how Brady totally plowed me in the kitchen at four in the afternoon on Saturday?”
“And then again that night against my Ikea nightstand. Totally broke it. But that’s probably the bad craftsmanship, I should’ve paid for someone to put it together instead of doing it myself!” Anderson added.
She went on for another 15 minutes, sparing no detail of their intricate two hours of foreplay involving various toys, food, and her pasta colander.
“Brad and I got hella kinky, we were watching TV and then we just went at it on the couch,” said Anderson. “I did mute the TV though because there was some stuff about protests downtown against the police or something and that was bumming me out but I don’t wanna get into that.”
Anderson trailed off, her eyes falling to the floor before she quickly switched the topic back to how Brad and her even tried the “grapefruiting” trick Tiffany Haddish did in the 2017 blockbuster hit Girls Trip.
Anderson, who forgot to vote in the previous three elections and wears a “The future is female” button on her jean jacket, says that she just prefers keeping things “chill” and wishes everyone would stick to more agreeable topics like the latest episode of The Bachelor or the 15-paragraph sexts she currently has going with Brad.
“It’s 2020, of course I’m a feminist,” said Anderson. “I love Lizzo, I don’t wear makeup, I went to the Women’s March. I also got the shit railed out of me last night and boy was that amazing. I’d love to tell you more about it over drinks!”
“But, you know, politics just makes things awkward and intense,” she added. “What am I supposed to do about it? Read articles? No thanks. I’d rather read the extremely detailed texts Brad sends me during work about how he wants to plow me like a farmer on a hot Wisconsin day.”
Sarah is now planning to use her lunch break at work to tell Liza about the girth of Brad’s gorilla cock, but she did just tweet “Pizza over patriarchy!” while sipping from a mug with “Girl Boss” written on it in a pink cursive font.