When it comes to treating yourself to a bath, bathing in water may be “traditional” and “cleansing” and “what human bodies are made of and require to live,” but it also just seems super boring and predictable! Cleopatra bathed in milk and honey, and she was a kween! To help you unwind like the decadent debutante you are, we’ve come up with a list of untested fluids you may want to bathe in. [Disclaimer: Our legal team asked us to point out that we are not scientists, did not properly study or test these substances, and cannot be held liable for whatever happens as a result of these baths.] So hop in; the fluid’s warm!
Peppy Peppermint Extract
Peppermints create such a delightful tingle on the tongue, so why not immerse yourself in a tub full of peppermint extract? Tingling things feel nice, and it’s probably good for the skin, at least a lot of the time. We wondered if it might burn a little, but after chatting about it in the break room, we decided there’s almost certainly no way it can kill you. Try it! (But if it goes bad, we’re not liable.)
Zesty 5-Hour Energy
Coffee baths aren’t unheard of (are they?), so why not take it to the next level with a few hundred energy shots? Be sure to soak for a while and let it really seep into your pores for an all-day boost. Gina is behind us mumbling something about a “heart attack,” but she tweaks after a single chai latte, so ignore her.
Cleansing Hydrogen Peroxide
Water is also hydrogen and oxygen, so hydrogen peroxide is almost the same but cleaner, probably. Hydrogen peroxide has long been known for its disinfectant properties, it gives you blonde hair, and it even bubbles without needing extra suds! That’s a threefer of bodacious bathing! It kind of smells, so maybe don’t drink it? Or use food-grade peroxide, since it’s food. A scientist, Dr. Murphy, answered our inquiry with the message, “THAT’S NOT WHAT ‘FOOD GRADE’ MEANS, ALSO I’M AN ASTRONOMER. I’M NOT WHO YOU SHOULD BE ASKING. YOU SHOULD COME TO CLASS ONCE IN A WHILE,” so we’re confused now.
Anti-Aging Formaldehyde
According to the internet, formaldehyde “preserves tissue”, so taking a formaldebath will be perfect for your anti-aging regimen! Jennifer says her dad uses it for taxidermy and he always uses protective gear, so we dunno, wear gloves or something. Jennifer’s dad also mentioned an “extreme Cancer risk,” so this is not a bath for June-July birthdays! Sorry, crabbies!
Lively Lime Juice
What could be more healthy and refreshing than a citrus bath? (Just make sure you don’t have any paper cuts before getting in!) No one has time to juice all those limes one by one, but fortunately there’s quicklime, a compound available now at industrial chemical plants and abandoned construction sites. It sounds like it works super fast! That was all the research we did and Dr. Murphy won’t return our calls. Try quicklime today!
If something goes wrong, try not to remember who suggested you try these baths. Instead, remember that life is an adventure and part of self-care is pampering yourself with a special bath now and then. You don’t need a “science” degree to know that!
