In a story emerging from a lesbian bar in Brooklyn, NY, 24-year-old Kiki Tapper said she refuses to talk to women because “flirting with girls is scary,” which is crazy considering that she regularly risks death to flirt with men.
The conversation arose when Kiki’s friend, Roman Patterson, asked why Kiki wasn’t talking to anyone despite claiming – mere hours ago – that tonight would be the night she finally finds a girlfriend.
“I would flirt but it’s just so much scarier to talk to girls than boys,” Kiki replied, as if talking to boys didn’t carry a much greater threat of bodily harm. “What if they don’t like me? Girls are terrifying!”
Sources confirm if a girl at the bar doesn’t like Kiki, she’ll most likely let her down easy. In contrast, Kiki had to file a restraining order against her ex-boyfriend months ago when he threatened to break into her house.
Kiki seems to have no problem flirting with men in dive bars and is honestly quite good at it, often approaching with confidence and gusto despite the non-zero chance that the men in question could kill her.
“I don’t really understand where all of this fear is coming from,” Roman told reporters gathered at the scene. “Since when has she been afraid of flirting with people? She flirted with a random guy on the way over here, and he was wearing a ton of pro-gun paraphernalia.”
Patrons at the bar also didn’t quite understand what all the fuss was about.
“Flirting with girls is actually super easy,” said Tia Green, a bar patron reporters picked at random. “I mean, sure, there’s always the risk a girl won’t like you back, but at least there’s a much smaller risk she knows how to pinpoint your exact location from the background of your most recent Instagram photo.”
“Wait, I do know how to do that,” replied Tia’s girlfriend, Yuki Abe. “But in an ‘OMG I would love to try this restaurant!’ way, not an ‘I want to wear your skin’ way, you know?”
Sources confirm at this point, Kiki retired to the bathrooms to wait the night out, seeing as she couldn’t talk to anyone without risking severe psychological damage.
As of press time, Kiki had decided to repress her bisexuality and remain comfortably hetero for the rest of her life. Nice compromise, girl!
