A healthy diet is the mark of pure luxury, but unfortunately, the only way to eat artisanally is to cook within the privacy of your home. How can you flaunt the fresh ingredients you bought at the farmer’s market without being obvious about showing off how much better you are than everyone else? Let your butt do the talking and brag with your farts. Your body’s signature perfume will say “Farm-to-table fresh” with these easy recipes.
1. The “Cut This Cheese”
What you’ll need: One block of NY sharp cheddar, a container of spreadable rosemary goat cheese, and two helpings of vodka.
Eat the entire block of cheese, followed immediately by the entire container of goat cheese. Try not to use utensils as this might slow your consumption and interfere with the dank scent you’re creating. The cheeses should be consumed within thirty minutes. Wait two hours, then follow with two helpings of vodka immediately before leaving the house.
This recipe is perfect for a first date. The cheeses will take a while to work their way through your digestive system, and the vodka adds a very nice zest as your scent brews. Your body will eventually create a VERY impressive fragrance that will leave nostrils burning, hopefully with jealousy.
2. The “Silent Butt Deadly”
What you’ll need: 7 farm fresh eggs, a bushel of locally grown baby spinach, five gulps of black beans.
Boil the eggs in one pot while cooking the black beans in a pot simultaneously in another. Eat the eggs, and chase them with the beans. Chew carefully – this should take about forty minutes. Once you’ve finished, eat the entire bushel of baby spinach raw. Wait another twenty minutes before leaving the home.
This recipe is great for a night at the club. Your friends may not be able to hear what kind of noble bouquet you’ve created, but they’ll smell it from across the dance floor.
3. The “Pootin’ Nanny”
What you’ll need: Fresh strawberries, blueberries, one plum, one apple, a whole yellow onion, and two thermoses of dark roast coffee.
Eat the fruit over the sink as fast as your body will allow. The order doesn’t matter, just wolf it down. Then cut the onion in half and eat it slowly, one half at a time. Allow the tears leaking from your eyes to drip into your mouth for a natural salty flavor. Let the fruit sit in your stomach for half an hour, then chug two thermos’ worth of black coffee, again as fast as your body will permit. The coffee and onion aren’t necessary for the odor, but they will lengthen the duration of your fragrance.
This is a perfect on-the-go recipe because it’s so fast and easy to make. Subtle at first, but eventually this odor will fill every nose within a thirty mile radius. Impress your co-workers at your next board meeting, or fellow parents at the playground! Let them know you settle for nothing but the freshest fruits.
4. The “Eat Your Fart Out”
What you’ll need: One pound of fresh ground beef, three strips of pork belly, cured lamb cheek, and seven mugs of aged bourbon.
Eat the ground beef, pork belly, and lamb cheek raw and chase with bourbon. This process should take approximately one hour. The bourbon will dry the meats as they flow through your digestive system.
This is a recipe if you really want to make a statement about your diet. The aroma you will create will not only fill the room, it will transform into a conversation piece. This recipe will no doubt get you noticed!
The next time someone asks, “Was that you?” smile with a wink and simply reply, “That’s not just me you’re smelling. That’s class.”
