In a study conducted by the University of Pennsylvania, researchers have confirmed that while the optimal time to start saying “My birthday is coming up” is maybe a week ahead of time, the furthest in advance you can actually get away with is like, pretty much nine months.
“This science is a little hazy, but yeah, like right around nine months beforehand is when you can start talking about it,” Dr. Danielle Clark reported. “We conducted a meta analysis and found that nine months in advance is when most people want to start talking about their birthday a little bit anyways, so we were basically like, ‘Fuck it!’ and decided we could all deal with our friends and family talking about their birthdays for nine months out of the year.”
University officials expressed their disappointment at the science being “a little hazy” given that they dumped almost a quarter of a million dollars into this study and really wanted clear-cut answers. Dr. Clark responded by saying that her and her team did the best they could with an impossible task.
“Not sure how much more info they want,” said Dr. Clark. “We ran the analysis, got our answers, made some personal-experience-based assumptions, then reached our conclusion. They should just start talking about what they want for their birthday, and forget about the rest.”
However, while the results of this study come as largely welcome news, researchers warn of adverse consequences for talking about your birthday even a second before the nine-month mark.
“Death,” said Dr. Clark. “Sorry, did I say death? I meant scorn from your friends. But that’s pretty much the same thing.”
The study also said that while you can get away with announcing that your birthday is coming up around nine months prior, the frequency and method of your announcement also have non-negligible impacts on potentially irritating your loved ones.
“I mean, yeah, if you’re texting your friends every day for 39 weeks being like, “I can’t believe it’s almost my birthday!’ people are going to get annoyed,” said Dr. Clark. “I’m not sure you really needed the results of this study to know that. But what’s also important to note is that the way you announce your upcoming birthday also has a distinct impact on how people feel about you.”
The study revealed that saying something in passing, like, “Wow, my birthday is already 6 months away, this year is flying by!” had a neutral to slightly positive impact on the way people perceive you. However, saying something like, “Choo choo, get on the birthday train! The most important day of the year is only eight months away! Clear your schedules or delete my number!” had a much higher likelihood of making people feel “bad” or, more likely, “weird” about you.
At press time, university officials had come to terms with the methodology of the study, and were generally excited about the results – and they weren’t the only ones: “My birthday is actually nine months away today,” Dr. Clark confided in reporters. “Not saying that influenced the results of the study, but I’m also not saying it didn’t. What I am saying is: it’s almost my birthday, bitches! All aboard the Dr. Dani train, choo choo!”
