Environmentally Friendly Ways to Cum

Every modern gal wants two things: to save the planet, and to cum real hard. With these helpful tips, you can finally have it all! You won’t have to fret mid-sex about your carbon cumprint anymore. Just follow these pointers and they’ll lead you to the greenest orgasm you’ll ever have.


Fuck an infertile man.

Nothing is worse than a baby. We mean, nothing is worse for the environment than a baby. Obviously we love all babies! It’s just that they hate the rainforest. Did you know that by sleeping only with infertile men, you lower your new-human emissions by over 100%? Save the planet and your career by keeping functioning semen out of the equation.


Avoid aerosol lubes.

Oh we’re sorry, you didn’t think spray-lube is a thing? Well guess what? It totally is. It’s called Pam cooking spray, ever heard of it? While the convenience of spraying a dick with sweet sweet lube may seem irresistible, you owe it to Mother Earth to consider an alternative. You don’t need to destroy the ozone to go to the O-zone. Also you would definitely get a yeast infection from that.


Ride your bike to his house (or just stay home and masturbate).

Parking by his house is terrible anyway! Why not let that bike seat do the foreplay and show up ready to rumble? (Or honestly you could just stay home and take care of your own orgasm maybe? You don’t actually want to date a guy who lives that far uptown, do you?) Either way, you remove tons of CO2 from the atmosphere!



Turn off the lights.

Turning off the lights during sex will both decrease the environmental impact of your cums and increase your ability to imagine a different partner. You’ll be climaxing with the men of Magic Mike XXL (all at once somehow?? The human imagination is an incredible thing!) in no time, all while remaining considerate of climate change.


Use a solar-powered vibrator.

You know batteries are a pain to buy and to throw out. With an alternative power source, you can just leave your little friend out in the sun for a few hours, and then fuck yourself to completion—as long as it takes you less than 45 seconds to get there. And who knows, by the time it’s powered up you may have just fallen asleep midday like you were planning! Being asleep means you don’t need electricity. Cool!



Bone in a Prius.

We know you’re gonna fuck in a car. That’s just how you roll. But if you’re going to do it, please at least be responsible and get down to business in a hybrid car. We promise, you’ll find yourself on the fast track to your destination, if you know what we mean (we mean an orgasm!).


Remember, ladies: You shouldn’t have to feel guilty for cummy-cum-cumming more than you already do, just because you’re a woman and society shames you for enjoying sex! So use this helpful guide to green ’gasms, and take pleasure in achieving climax AND a healthy sense of superiority over less environmentally-conscious cummers. Now get ready to cum green!*


*If your cum is actually, literally green, please go see a doctor. That’s not good.