You’ve been sleeping with Matt off and on for months now, but he’s as selfish, distant and clueless in bed as ever. If you thought the sex couldn’t get any worse, think again! Here’s how to take things with Matt from, “Uh-oh,” to, “Oh please God nooooo!”
Watch the porn he’s basing all his moves on—together!
Give the guy some credit—he’s done his research on how to make being inside you as pleasurable as possible for him. It’s time to be a little more open-minded about the ‘authentic’ amateur porn websites he visits thrice daily. By observing as Matt watches, then awkwardly attempts to recreate his favorite vid in real time, you’ll experience a whole new level of indifference toward him! As if those khaki shorts were doing anything for you in the first place.
Agree to do it in front of a mirror.
Have you seen the 1960 movie, Peeping Tom? In case you’re little rusty (like Matt’s natural scent), a serial killer holds a mirror up to his victims as he’s murdering them. Be that killer for Matt and let him watch himself as he’s working his magic on you…or, wait a minute, is he just working the magic on himself? That info is strictly between Matt and his mirror. If only he would use one to get dressed.
Stop forcing him to shower first.
Why make a fuss when Matt flops his crusty, fetid, sweaty body down on to your bed at the end of the night? He hates showering anyway, and once you stop forcing him, you’ll be able to experience his overwhelming rust stench in all its horrifying glory. Maybe let him pee in the corner of your room afterward! What could be worse than that?
Don’t correct him when he calls out another girl’s name.
Matt’s ex-girlfriend Kayla must have really made an impact on him because hers is the only name he ever grunts as he struggles and strains inside you. Why fight it? By repeatedly hearing the name of the only girl he’s ever cared about, you can remind yourself that you’re not a girl he’s ever cared about. Sex with Matt: ruined! Kayla, you can have him.
You know what’s even worse than having sex with Matt? Having sex with Matt stone cold sober and being able to remember every single disappointing moment for days afterward. Swap your customary pre-coital two bottles of wine for one glass of mineral water and see how your body and mind process his rusty aroma when you’re not completely off your tits.
Remember, you only live once!
However bad sex with Matt gets, never forget that you only live once, and you’re choosing to spend your one precious life having consensual sex with a guy who thinks you get off just from being within spitting distance of his dick. Is that really how you want to celebrate your limited time on this planet? Philosophical approach to sex with Matt = lady boner killer! Lady boner killed. And this philosophy doesn’t believe in life after death.
No matter how bad sex with Matt has been in the past, rest assured that there are plenty of ways for it to get much, much worse!