In a show of religious solidarity that will surely go down in the history books, Easter, Passover, and Ramadan are joining forces this weekend to guilt trip this nation’s children into coming home to their family for the holidays.
“Given the extent of religious disagreement we’ve seen in the past, from Crusades to Pogroms to Holy Wars, it’s beautiful to see this kind of solidarity among the young generation,” said Harvard Professor of Theology Dan Ahmed. “It’s the one time a year when everyone gets a text from their parents saying, ‘So…are we going to see you this weekend?’”
Sources confirm that young adults across the country have been seen pacing the sidewalk outside their apartments, desperately trying to come up with an excuse as to why they “can’t make it work” this year. The verdict is out on whether they’ve succeeded.
“It’s rare to see Christians, Muslims, and Jews unequivocally agree like this,” Professor Ahmed continued. “It seems there are few things that bring us together quite like succumbing to parental guilt.”
“I tried to get out of going home for Easter by telling my parents that I was staying with my friends Zev and Amna,” said New Yorker Matt Higgins. “But my parents know Zev has to go home for Passover and Amna’s visiting her parents for Ramadan, so they saw right through me. Curse you, religious solidarity!”
While converting to a new religion would typically serve as a way to get out of this type of situation, it simply will not work this weekend as every major religion has a holiday, not to mention the nondenominational “Cosmonauts Day” in honor of Yuri Gagarin, who became the first human in space on April 12, 1961.
“Goddamn it!” said atheist Calvin Hess. “It’s Cosmonauts Day already?” Sources confirm he reluctantly booked a train ticket home.
While it is unclear which religion, if any, has correctly guessed the shape and form of God, it is extremely clear that everyone has to call their grandparents this weekend.
At press time, airports across the nation had become melting pots of religious travelers sharing knowing glances with each other as they pass, as if to say, “Peace be with you” in three different languages.
