In disappointing news for the general population, a team of NYU Langone otolaryngologists have formally announced that if you have a stuffy nose, there is over a 98% chance that it will be like that for the rest of your life.
“When you’re congested, you can feel miserable, and like you’ll never be able to breathe out of one nostril ever again,” said Dr. Ophelia Yen. “As ENT medical professionals, we can now say with some certainty that, yeah, you’re probably right.”
The experts explained that stuffy noses can lead to poor sleep, decreased enjoyment of food, and a worsened mood, and that furthermore these are all permanent because this is just your life now.
“Nasal congestion is most often caused by infections or irritants that inflame the nasal tissues,” Dr. Yen explains. “And while the body naturally fights against colds, flus, and allergies, it could lose that fight, and you could just spend the rest of your one life on Earth doing that thing where you turn in bed so the stuffed up side of your nose is on top, and then it drains, and a for a second you can breathe, but then it goes to the other side. This is your forever now.”
The announcement comes as bad news for literally everyone.
“I have a brutal summer cold right now,” says congestion sufferer Nat Perez. “And I told myself, ‘As soon as this goes away, I will never take the ability to breathe freely out of my nose ever again.’”
“Now I know that actually I never will be able to breathe freely again, and while I’m devastated, I also have to say it makes all too much sense.”
Some laypeople resisted the announcement, insisting their medical histories proved stuffy noses pass with time. But the medical community is standing their ground.
“Look, it’s not getting better,” Dr. Yen says. “You’ll never have a comfortable plane ride again. You’ll never truly feel hot again. Who can feel hot with a stuffy nose? No one. So say goodbye to confidence.”
“The only time you’ll be able to breathe is when you’re having sex and you’re on top really putting the work in, but then you’ll go liquid and start dripping snot on your partner and sniffing a lot.”
At press time Dr. Yen confirmed she does have a cold right now, but that’s not influencing her perspective at all.
