Medical professionals across the country are advising that Americans really just eat whatever the fuck they want this week and we’ll all just let this one go for now.
“Typically I recommend eating lots of leafy greens, lean proteins, and to try to stay away from sugar,” said nutritionist and physician Dr. Geraldine Weber. “But I’m not a fucking hypocrite, so do whatever the hell you want to get through this week.”
“Sugary, frozen drinks? Absolutely. Fried foods? You fucking bet,” says cardiologist Tomas Poderosa. “I’ve had three cheeseburgers this week and it’s not even Tuesday.”
“What matters most here is that you are caring for yourself by consuming whatever your stress-addled body needs right now,” adds Dr. Weber. “And if that happens to be an entire bag of pork rinds and Oreos, that’s just your body telling you that things are very, very bad right now. And your body is right.”
When asked if he had any more specific pandemic-related eating tips, Dr. Poderosa asked, “Does anybody know if Shake Shack delivers before noon? I can put in an order if you want anything.”
Several other physicians we contacted over the weekend were too drunk to be interviewed, while several others recommended getting “the big blue drink with a beer inside of it”.
“Eating is a great way to distract yourself from things you can’t control,” added Dr. Weber. “So this is the perfect time to just be constantly, constantly, eating.”
Doctors do still recommend, no matter what happens, to please drink plenty of water.
