You love shoving food into your mouth like an unapologetic flavor whore. But as a woman, people are going to judge you for that. Here’s how to tone it down just a bit with these dainty tips that say, “Hey, I love to eat food but I’m still a little princess.”
Use a Tiny Fork
Get one of those little forks that people use to eat escargot. Hold it up gingerly in one hand while you shove a bacon cheddar slider into your mouth with the other hand, taking it all in one bite, allowing the juice to drip down your chin. Witnesses will be distracted from your unladylike chomping by that tiny, fanciful utensil and its implication that you are a dainty gentlewoman with manners. Nobody will notice how much food you eat if you use tiny forks!
Blow on Your Food
Acting concerned by the temperature of your food, even momentarily, before slamming it full-force into your unforgiving mouth-hole, shows people that you’re a sensitive little lady, even if you are just a food-destroying, lip-smacking monster.
Sprinkle it with Green Garnish
Even Mario Batali looks a little bit dainty if the dish he’s eating looks well garnished. Before you shove that entire cream-filled donut into your face, place a sprig of mint on top. Everyone will say, “What a fine woman with proper tastes,” even if this is your fourth donut and nobody else has had any yet.
Use a Lot of Plates
Would a truly savage eater really take the time to use several plates in a series of courses (Yes, but shhhhh!)? Separate your food into as many locations as possible to let people know you’re crafting an “experience” rather than your usual Thursday night power eating.
Close Your Eyes While You Stuff
Closing your eyes as you mash munchies implies that you’re overwhelmed by this whole process, even though this is a totally normal way you eat, all the goddamn time.
Act Like Your Tummy Hurts
When all the scarfing wraps up, grab your stomach in mock pain, to let people know that something uncharacteristic overcame you just now and it was probably just hormones or an unusually good egg and cheese sandwich or something because your little body can’t even handle what you just did to it.
Say, “What? Where Am I?”
Maybe they’ll think a hungry ghost overtook your sweet little corporeal body.
Eating is good and you shouldn’t be afraid to take your treats forcefully. But if food judgers are near, you may want to employ some of these slick tricks for keeping it #daint!
