A representative of the Punxsutawney Sheriff’s Department confirmed that your dad officially saw his shadow today, which signals the immediate approach of tax season.
A large crowd gathered outside your dad’s house early this morning to partake in the tradition, which has predicted the arrival of tax season with 80% accuracy over the last 30 years.
“We traveled all the way here from Connecticut to celebrate this special occasion,” said tourist Madison Keens. “I can’t wait to see whether that little fella doesn’t see his shadow – which means there will be a few more weeks of rest – or sees his shadow, which harkens the immediate, chilling arrival of tax season.”
Around 6:45am, a typical time for dads to wake up, your father emerged from his little bungalow, sniffed the air, took a long look around, peed on the grass, then glanced down and immediately saw his own shadow.
The crowd erupted into cheers, which seemed to scare your dad back inside. Representatives for TurboTax, H&R Block, and other tax services that lobby to make filing your taxes harder in order to earn more money from users were seen rubbing their hands together and snickering in the corner, as this signals the advent of their busy season, as well.
“I have no clue why all those people are out there,” your dad told reporters gathered at the scene, closing his blinds, and hiding in the kitchen. “I hope they didn’t see me pee on the grass. Unrelated, I think I’ll call my daughter today. It’s about time she starts doing her taxes. I just have a feeling.”
News of your dad’s discovery quickly traveled across the nation, as people everywhere made plans to finally get their W-2’s and 1099’s in order. While some mourned the end of pre-tax season and the advent of tax season, others were excited to get the whole thing over with.
Meanwhile, sources confirm that upon hearing the news, you whispered, “Fuck,” checked your bank account, and appeared to dissociate for a few minutes.
As of press time, you had received an email from your dad reading, “Hi. You should get on your taxes. Do you want to do it yourself this year? Send me your forms today if not.” He then listed a bunch of number-and-letter combinations that made you feel dizzy, but you reminded yourself this is just his way of expressing love.
