In an enlightening story out of Milwaukee, WI, 27-year-old Thalia Thompson just informed her roommate that cooking is an art and baking is a science while slathering funfetti frosting on the funfetti cake she just baked.
“Cooking is all vibes,” Thalia explained. “A little of this, a little of that, tossing things in a pan until it ‘feels right.’ Baking is more precise. It’s all data and measurement and numbers. If you don’t follow the recipe exactly, you’re fucked.”
Reporters said this statement would’ve been more impactful if Thalia hadn’t been simultaneously licking premade icing of a spatula.
However, when asked to explain the science of baking in greater detail, all Thalia offered was, “Uh, chemistry, I think? Inertia? States of matter?”
While some of these things were technically correct, reporters still felt Thalia lacked an understanding of what science and baking were, like on a very basic level.
Thalia responded by grabbing a bottle of sprinkles, shaking them on top of her cake, and saying, “See? The way they get dispersed all over the cake is science.”
Sources close to Thalia say she loves to explain how baking is a science, but they haven’t seen her really execute those sentiments in a meaningful way.
“I would’ve taken her words more seriously if she had waited for the cake to cool before she started frosting it,” Thalia’s roommate, Jordan, explained to reporters. “Kind of makes me feel like she doesn’t know a ton about science.”
Thalia disregarded her roommate’s comments, saying she “likes it all melty like that.”
Other sources added that, for Thalia, all this “science” amounts to is putting pre-made mix in a bowl, adding water, oil, and an egg, and sticking it into the oven for however long the box said.
“I just wish she’d stop referring to herself as a scientist,” Jordan said. “Putting premade, pre-portioned chocolate chip cookie dough on a tray and sticking it into the oven until it ‘smells yum’ isn’t science! It’s barely a conscious action.”
Jordan continued, saying, “I don’t think she’s ever baked anything that didn’t already come pre-made.”
As of press time, Thalia was determined to prove her haters wrong, and had attempted to bake cookies from scratch. According to her, the cookies were “supposed” to be hard as a rock, and that it was actually due to a really fascinating scientific process that she didn’t feel like explaining right now.
