In a cautionary tale coming out of a coffee shop in Denver, CO, 28-year-old Coral Fernandez just interrupted her friends’ gossip session in order to inform them that “comparison is the thief of joy.” Apparently, Coral was not aware that comparing oneself to a colossal loser was an option.
“We were just talking about a mutual friend who kind of has everything that we want,” Coral’s friend, Maggie, told reporters. “And, sure, we were venturing into dangerously wicked and covetous territory, but we were just getting started! Everyone knows that after you despair over someone else having the life of your dreams, you slowly and systematically work your way through every miserable fuck you know of and extensively outline how you’re better than in every conceivable way.”
Coral’s other friends felt similarly.
“I don’t know why Coral would try to take that from us,” Coral’s friend Frankie added. “Oh my god, is Coral the real thief of joy?”
In spite of these incendiary sentiments, Coral maintained that she was just looking out for her friends.
“I thought I could just say something vaguely wise and then the conversation would carry on like normal, except now everyone would think I was vaguely wise,” she said. However, she did admit that she had never really interrogated her beliefs about comparison before, saying, “I guess I didn’t realize you could compare yourself to someone who was doing worse than you.”
After a brief period of internal reflection and some morally ambiguous encouragement from her friends, Coral decided to be open-minded and try her hand at comparing herself to a huge loser.
“Okay, wow, yeah, that was actually amazing,” she said, her eyes shining with an evil yet empowered light. “I’m, like, so much better than them. They are nothing compared to me! Nothing!”
Her friends just smiled knowingly and encouraged her to continue comparing herself to the pathetic, washed up, deadbeat flop nobodies of the world with reckless abandon.
As of press time, hours of ridiculing those doing worse than her had caused Coral’s ego to become dangerously inflated. In order to come down from the euphoric high that had grown stronger with every “She’s so slow at swimming and I’m so fast” and “Hats look bad on him but good on me,” Coral was forced to spend multiple excruciating hours comparing herself to her younger yet more successful coworker.
“I have never felt so high and so low in one day,” Coral said, her body slumped in exhaustion. “Ultimately, comparison gives and comparison taketh away. Fuck, my coworker is doing so much better than me.”
