While it has been over 100 years since the Coca-Cola company used cocaine in their original recipe, executives at Coca Cola recently admitted in a press release that, yes the diet ones still have a wee bit of cocaine in them.
This comes as a great shock to many, but also not that big of a shock if you’ve ever had a Diet Coke.
“Listen, it’s the secret sauce,” said Chief Cola Officer Ryan Howard at company happy hour, unprompted. “When you’re taking out the sugar and most of the calories, you’ve gotta throw a little something back in to make it good again. And that’s just why people love it so damn much.”
That “something” is, of course, the illegal drug and neurological stimulant, cocaine.
“Nose candy, bump, toot, flake, snow, white rock,” he continued. “These were all alternative names for the product before we settled on ‘Diet Coke.’”
Howard maintains that as long as customers don’t need to operate heavy machinery or have a conversation with someone who talks kind of slow, they’ll probably be fine.
The drink is especially popular among those who need a midday pick-me-up, which, in retrospect, honestly makes a lot of sense.
Local mom of three Lee Higgins was blindsided by this news. “Does it still have fewer calories than the normal one?” she asked reporters. “Oh, yeah, then that’s fine.” Sources confirm she was seen buying several more 12-packs at her local 7/11 and making unreciprocated conversation with the cashier for thirty minutes.
Other frequent drinkers had mixed reactions. Upon being informed of the news, high schooler Victoria Ng reluctantly handed $20 to her best friend Katy, who said, “Told you so.”
The leak has been a surprising PR win for Coca Cola, a company that has rehabilitated its image from a malicious soft drink giant to a malicious soft drink giant that is also cool.
Sources confirm that since Coca Cola revealed they put a little bit of cocaine in the diet ones, sales have gone up 1700%. Relatedly, incidents of wide-eyed people talking about the entire plot of Inception super fast have also gone up 1700%.
