When Pride month rolls around, corporations tend to celebrate the LGBTQ+ community with themed products, like Postmates’ Bottom-Friendly Menu from last year. To combat this positivity, Chick-fil-A has introduced their own “Bottom-Hostile Menu,” which will ensure anyone trying to engage in gay sex absolutely shits themselves.
Take that, gays!
While Postmates’ Bottom-Friendly Menu included many foods rich in soluble fibers and protein like nuts and white rice such that customers would be ready to “bottom” after dinner, the Bottom-Hostile Menu includes a bunch of foods that will fuck up your digestive system. The menu’s staples include a “dairy-heavy” milkshake, a triple-decker chicken sandwich, and the spiciest chicken nuggets you’ve ever fucking tasted.
“The goal of this menu is to ruin your insides,” said Chick-fil-A representative Dan Herman. “There’ll be no bottoming on our watch, baby. We proudly only promote straight sex!”
Other representatives of Chick-fil-A were quick to roll this back, and set the record straight that they don’t intend to promote sex with their meals at all. Unfortunately, those comments were stricken from the record because they’re less fun.
Customers can also opt to “Bump Up the Hostility” on their meals, which doubles the size of their milkshake and adds extra bread to their sandwiches to ensure constipation.
“I’ve never been less inclined to bottom, and I love it,” said local mom Whitney James, who appears to not know what that word means.
The Bottom-Hostile Menu also includes a rewards system for Pride month wherein any time a user has straight sex, they get extra points in the Chick-fil-A app. If those sexual relations lead to reproduction, they also get a free drink!
This plan backfired immediately, with gay men across the country rushing to Chick-fil-A to prove they have what it takes to eat the Bottom-Hostile Menu and bottom nonetheless.
“It gained a notorious reputation in the community almost immediately,” said local gay man Henry Leache, who saw the Bottom-Hostile Menu and drove for two hours to test it out. “A menu that makes it ‘impossible’ to bottom? You mean ‘a challenge’?”
Take that, homophobia! But also…take our money, we guess!
At press time, the queer community was patronizing Chick-fil-A more than ever in a beautiful example of what experts are now calling “reverse rainbow-capitalism”: an economic situation in which a brand is so homophobic that it circles back around to being campy.
