In an effort to slow the spread of COVID-19 and ease the stress of isolation, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention has released a statement recommending horny people quarantining alone try making out with their own arms.
“Over the past six months, horny singles have tried navigating safer sex in the age of COVID to mixed results,” says CDC rep Shoshanna Stewart. “This is their right, and we legally cannot stop them, however, we increasingly urge those craving intimacy to close their eyes, picture their crush, begin a slow but purposeful lean-in, then sort of go to town on their forearm, with tongue.”
Assuming proper hand-washing practices, the Center considers this option to be the lowest risk avenue to mackin’ it.
“Whether you’re passionate and slobbery, gentle and precise, or a toothy freak, making out with your own arm is a satisfying option that may help protect the health of those most vulnerable in your community,” says Stewart. “Not to mention, great practice for when the real thing comes along.”
Americans quarantining alone, with family, or chemistry-devoid roommates are all encouraged to go into their rooms, put on “Come Away With Me” by Norah Jones, and suck face with their arm’s face.
“One of our own top scientists has tested the process and guarantees it is safe, easily implemented, and not unlike kissing a human man,” Stewart adds. “At least, she claimed she was testing it for the American public when I walked in. Honestly, she was supposed to be working on the vaccine.”
The CDC also notes that single people may make out with a stuffed animal, but warns that this option is a little creepy.
“We already know you’ve been thinking about it, so we’re giving you the green light, America,” says Stewart. “Go to town.”
