Calm Woman Has No Idea She’s Developing Lifelong Agoraphobia Right Now

Sources report that Nadja Lang, a software engineer and New York resident who is actually feeling fairly chill right now, has no idea she is developing lifelong agoraphobia as we speak.


“I know I’m in an incredibly privileged position being able to work from home, but I must say, on a personal level I’ve just felt pretty calm throughout all of this,” says Lang who has not left her home in 15 days.


“I’ve gotten better at grocery shopping, so I rarely need to go to the store,” Lang adds. “I guess I just feel really safe inside my apartment, which is so nice!”


Lang, who has been secretly congratulating herself on how mentally healthy and well adjusted she must be to have not fallen into a state of anxiety and despair during quarantine, reportedly has no idea that the thing keeping her inside is a building fear of going out.


“At first I was taking walks around the neighborhood, but something about the vibe out there made me feel sort of uneasy and vulnerable,” Lang says. “I would rather just walk around my living room, anyway. It’s like my own little universe.”



While some are going stir crazy as they long for public spaces, crowded restaurants, or the open road, Lang is perfectly content following stay-at-home orders.


“I guess I just feel it’s important for me to do my part,” says Lang. “Plus, if this period has taught us anything it’s that the world is a fundamentally dangerous, disease-ridden, frightening place.”


“Wow, not to toot my own horn, but it’s pretty cool how I’ve managed to retain such a relaxed perspective on this,” Lang adds.


At press time, Lang was having a mild panic attack at the thought of ever going to the airport again.