What a freaking bummer! 27-year-old Katie Omer was recently told she has three more cavities, making her total lifetime cavity count thirteen. Unfortunately for Katie, this means she’s not gonna get into heaven.
“It just sucks cause I really wanted to get into heaven,” says Katie. “I wasn’t too worried about it because I just never thought I’d get to the maximum, 12, let alone 13. That’s so many cavities!”
“Does this mean I’m like, going to Hell? Maybe I’ll get into purgatory,” says a hopeful Katie.
Damn, this is so freaking lame for Katie! Sorry, girl!
Friends and family of Katie have conveyed their disappointment.
“I really wanted Katie to get into Heaven,” says her mother, Jennifer Sackridge. “Me and her father are going to heaven, as we’ve only had five cavities cumulatively. It makes me sad to think Jim and I will spend eternity together and Katie will be somewhere else less pleasant.”
This is actually the lamest news ever,” says Katie’s best friend Danna Fendelle. “I did everything in my power to make sure I will get into heaven. I flossed, I brushed for two full minutes morning and night, and I stopped eating Sour Patch Kids. Where was your commitment to a better afterlife Katie? Where was it?
“I did my best to warn her,” says Dr. Helen Jenkins, Katie’s now-former dentist. “With plaque buildup comes infection. You can get cavities. At some point you may need a root canal. Also you’ll go to Hell.”
Despite her disappointment, Katie understands that she did this to herself.
“It’s annoying because I could have spent eternity with the people I love if only I had prioritized my own dental care,” says Katie. “It’s just like, darn, you know?”
Still, Katie is hopeful she may be able to negotiate once she reaches the gates of Heaven.
“Maybe I can be like, hey, all my family is in there can I just get in?” says Katie. “And if God says no I’ll be like, ugh, okay fine, it’s just like, a huge fucking bummer, you know?”
Yeah, it is a huge fucking bummer! Sorry, bitch!
