In a heartwarming story that will certainly have consequences for decades to come, little boys everywhere felt their hearts soar on Tuesday as American voters elected Donald Trump, showing the young ones that they, too, could someday grow up to be the most powerful sexual predator in America.
“It’s just the type of thing that makes you feel excited for the future,” said 14-year-old Tyler McArthur, who self-identifies as a Nick Fuentes super-fan. “I used to think I couldn’t be a sexual predator and also President of the United States, but that awful glass ceiling – a term I’m just coming up with now – has been shattered thanks to President Trump.”
Sources confirm boys everywhere rejoiced by lighting off fireworks and becoming brazenly touchy with the people around them.
“You know, I started to worry when Epstein went down that maybe being a sexual predator who preys upon women and young girls was ‘out’ so to speak, that it had become ‘uncool,’” added 18-year-old Brian Fitzpatrick. “But turns out it’s never been out of vogue! That sort of thing is really inspiring to me, someone who intends to prey upon women yet still hold a really good job someday.”
For many of the boys, Trump’s election showed they didn’t have to be meek or ashamed of their intentions to be really powerful sexual predators. Instead, they could be out and proud!
“I mean, even when he’d been accused by dozens of women of sexual assault and harassment and forced for pay a settlement of $5 million to E. Jean Carroll for sexual abuse, over 72 million Americans still had his back,” Tyler continued. “That’s the sort of thing that tells me I could probably be a CEO, grab an employee’s ass, and still remain a CEO at least!”
A lot of Boy moms out there found this similarly reassuring.
“My son sucks, and I was worried his inherently entitled personality and lack of boundaries would really hurt his life trajectory,” said Tyler’s mom, Jeanne McArthur. “Nice to know nothing can hold him back!”
As of press time, many boys had taken to commenting “Your body, my choice,” on women’s Instagram photos, which reporters wish they had made up but is ultimately a statement of fact.
