So you’ve heard about the thrill of experiencing real nature and you’ve decided to go on a grueling hiking expedition. But an avalanche has got you trapped in a ravine where you will probably die—bummer! Just because you hiked 25 miles per day in -35 degree temperatures to areas where there is nobody to help you is no excuse for looking like you’re hiking 25 miles per day in minus-35 degree temperatures where nobody to help you. Don’t worry—if you follow our bold beauty tips, you can make sure you look great for your fellow extreme hikers, the rescue team sent to find your body, and the wolves who come to eat you when they find your corpse.
Before your expedition:
The most important thing for any dangerous hike is to plan ahead. Bring your manicurist detailed photos of frostbitten hands so she can match your gel polish to the mottled blue and purple hues that your flesh will take on as it decays. Your usual colors are not going to work with the frozen, decaying flesh of your new complexion. You may want to consult a mortician to make sure your lipstick and eye shadow will still complement your coloring when all the blood has drained from your face. For the same reason, always go heavy on the blush while trekking; you’ll want rosy cheeks in your final moments.
Finding chic, color-coordinated hiking gear that says, “fashionista” instead of “Sir Edmund Hillary” is a challenge, but don’t give up. Stiletto hiking boots aren’t just a dream—they are a gift from our 21st century reality. You should have stocked up on multiple pairs in different styles from Polyvore and Tory Burch before embarking upon this death march.
The biggest trap you can fall into while planning out your gear is to prioritize practicality over style. Be vigilant: Take a break every time you catch yourself drawn to something because it looks useful instead of because it looks cute! Would you rather get out of these woods alive and looking like a troll, or be found peacefully slumbering in the cold by a mountaineer who seriously considers fucking your dead bod?
During your hike:
Once on the mountain and making your way up the trails, you might have been tempted to sweat. Don’t. Some color in your cheeks and a sheen on your brow is okay—it makes you look vivacious and outdoorsy. But actual beads of sweat aren’t flattering, and the only time they’re excusable is when you’re Reese Witherspoon and you’re gunning for an Oscar. Freeze in place until the risk of sweating passes.
While you’re lying in a crevasse:
Never underestimate the power of carefully fanned locks for making a good first impression. Once you’ve tripped down a rocky slope or fallen over a sheer ledge and your body has landed below, reach up and spread your hair out at a fetching angle. If your legs aren’t broken, straighten them and point your toes to give the illusion of length. And if you can achieve a slight twist at the waist, it will do wonders for making you look slimmer, even when you’re wearing a Gore-Tex parka.
As you feel the strength draining from your limbs, remind yourself to keep your expression serene—even when wolves start gnawing at your extremities. Don’t undo all your hard work by letting your face freeze into a grimace! This is a great chance to meditate. Breathe in, breathe out, and rest easy, knowing you’ve done your part to ensure that whoever finds you thinks, “What a shame” instead of, “Wow, she looks tired.”
