You didn’t set out to be the quiet twin, but compared to Jenny, who once got on the back of a guy’s motorcycle, you’re truly the wallflower in every sense of the word. Go ahead and embrace your paralyzing fear of social gatherings and completely blend into the wallpaper with these hot makeup tips:
Pick a wallpaper that works with your body shape.
Worried about that winter muffin top blowing your cover? Try a wallpaper with vertical stripes for a slimming effect. Stand perfectly still in an upright position and never take a bathroom break. If you avert your gaze if anyone spots you, they’ll assume you’re an interesting art piece, which is probably the most positive attention you’ve gotten in years. Make a mental note of how well this is going so you can stick it to Dr. Jacobs at your session later in the week. She’ll be eating her words that, “You can’t go through life undetected.”
Pay attention to the details.
If the wallpaper has an intricate pattern, make sure to paint every intricate detail on your body. You don’t want one stray flower exposing your life-ruining secret shame to an entire condo full of cool people! You’re just here to listen and observe to see what parties are like and to make sure Jenny doesn’t get pregnant again. You also don’t want to prove Dr. Jacobs right. She is a prude dinosaur who probably spent her prom night under her sheets with a peeled cucumber and copy of Jane Eyre.
DON’T. MOVE.
Stay completely still! Even the slightest twitch will foil all your hard work. It’s worth it—you are at a party. A real party, like in the movies! Then close your eyes and imagine the look on Dr. Jacobs’ wrinkly decrepit face when you tell her about how much progress you have made. She might even give you a high five with her nauseating veiny cracked hands with flesh so paper thin you can see all the way to her virgin soul.
Mascara is your friend – and your backup plan!
If for some reason someone bumps into you at this party and screams bloody murder, you want to make sure you look your best! Also, if you cry, your mascara will smudge and there is a chance these people may pity you instead of calling the cops. If that happens, then they will call Dr. Jacobs and you won’t ever hear the end of it from that ancient, hollow vagina. So…mascara mascara mascara!
Follow these tips and you are sure to be the wall of the ball. So get out there and blend in!
