In a story that’ll make you go, “Oh, honey,” emerging from Austin, TX, 34-year-old Brian Fairchild just grew a beard and justified it by saying, “Beards are makeup for men,” which misses the point: he should literally just try makeup.
“Yeah, I decided to grow in this ‘ol thing because I hear it’s the equivalent of a woman wearing a little rouge and a staple lip,” Brian told his group of friends, surprising everyone by revealing he knew the words “rouge” and “staple lip.” “Or…uh…that’s what I’ve heard. It’s makeup for men.”
Brian’s friends seemed concerned by the implication that he was going to great lengths to avoid just wearing makeup.
“I don’t know if he realizes that ‘makeup’ is also makeup for men,” said Brian’s friend Tina Wu. “He knows he can do whatever he wants, right? I fear for him. He’s created this box for himself even though no one would bat an eye if he started wearing a little foundation here and there. In fact, I think it would really even out his skin tone!”
When asked about the difference between regular makeup and makeup for men, cosmetics executive Li Wendt said, “What? There is none. ‘Regular makeup’ is makeup for men. Who sent you?”
Meanwhile, Brian was busy gushing about how cute he felt in his new beard, even if he might feel cuter if he literally just tried makeup once.
“It just elevates the look, you know?” he said, checking himself out in the mirror. “Not as much as a little bit of primer or maybe a skin tint would elevate it, but it’s still something.”
At this point, Brian’s friends let out a collective, “Come on, man.”
“It’s important that I find ways to express myself,” Brian continued. “But not any way that’ll make people go, ‘Is that guy wearing makeup?’ Even if after that, they’d say, ‘Damn, he looks really good in it!’”
According to Brian, he spent about $200 on beard maintenance products, from high end shaving cream to a beard trimmer, which was disappointing considering how far that $200 would have gotten him at Sephora.
“We’re talking a full face of products if he just wasn’t such a scaredy cat,” Tina continued. “I’m pissed.”
As of press time, Brian was telling his friends he wished there were a way to make his curls really pop, but “unfortunately curl cream is also made only for women.”
