Hey, my beautiful moonlit babies, it’s me—your girl, Ariana Grande!
It’s been a controversial couple of days for me as I, the tiniest superstar in existence, openly criticized the food culture in this land of the free and home of the acrylic high ponytail! But what I said in a moment of privacy with my backup dancer/lover who is literally seventeen times my size wasn’t meant to be broadcast, so I want to go on the record and tell you that this sexy baby LOVES doughnuts… in fact, I was born out of one! That’s right: Your gurl Ariana was born of a cute lil’ doughnut!
“What, gurl?” you’re asking me, your gurl. But I couldn’t be clearer. Twenty-two years ago I emerged from a pink frosted sprinkled doughnut and that doughnut raised me to be the sassy non-diva diva you know and worship today! In the twenty-two years and four inches I’ve grown since then, I’ve come to love everything doughnuts represent, including this great country where you can bedazzle your accessories and become a full-blown belting machine even though you can fit in a pocket!
How could I ever hate doughnuts when my lil’ mama was a lil’ doughnut? Anywayz, in doughnut culture, licking my doughnut friends is a show of affection!
I’ve learned so much from Babe (that’s the name of my sweet doughnut mama!), such as how to sing my baby face off, NEVER apologize for being a star, and be a living version of a beloved confectionary treat. It’s like I say in my song Lovin’ It, “You give me chills every time we chill” and it’s like what Babe always says, which is “AAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHMADONUT!” Tee hee!
Of course this isn’t to say there aren’t things I hate! I hate obesity (yuck, imagine me the size of a jelly bean!) and I hate any hairstyle that isn’t a waterfall-esque ponytail (kill me) and I hate people who hate America (not me!!!!!) But I’m not a hateful superstar. I’m just a normal Florida girl who was born out of a doughnut and learned to walk in eight-inch heels so that I can meet a tall child fan’s eye level when they beg me for an autograph (which I often ignore! Doughnuts don’t have ears, sillies!!!)
So I hope now you understand how much I love doughnuts (family is everything) and America (freedom is everything) and you guys not getting mad at me for a thing I said (FAME IS EVERYTHING!!) If you’ll excuse me, I gotta go put on some lip gloss. Hope I don’t fall into the tube and never get out!
Love, kisses, and licks, your girl, Ariana Grande!