Hostile alien takeover, zombies, nuclear war —no matter the cause, it’s always a good time to start an exercise regimen that will have you prepped for the end of days. So prepare to run, jump, and fight with the best of ‘em with these four apocalypse-ready workouts, even though you’d totally die the literal instant you run out of contacts. Try these anyway to enjoy false sense of control over your fragile existence!
Explosive Push-ups
They may give you flashbacks to 7th grade gym class, but so will man’s return to the earth after civilization crumbles under our feet. Explosive push-ups work out practically every muscle in your upper body which will do you some good in the After Times, but certainly not enough to counteract the fact that once you run out of dailies, you’ll have to rely on the support and kindness of strangers: a resource of famously limited supply in a survivalist, war-torn society. At least you’ll have strong pecs, even if you can’t really see them!
Jump Squats
You never know when you’re going to have to throw a wounded partner over your shoulder while continuing your ascent to a better vantage point. Of course, even the best vantage point won’t help with the fact that you’ve relied on corrective lenses since you were ten, so while actual blind people will have numerous ways to navigate the post-apocalyptic landscape, you will have none. Should you try to make some glasses? Out of like, I don’t know, glass? It just doesn’t seem like that’s something you’d be able to figure out. Sorry.
Sprints
Effectively fleeing from danger is a key aspect of survival, and a great way to up your cardio. In all seriousness, feel free to go do some sprints if you like, but don’t think it’s going to help you when you’re scampering through the woods, arms outstretched before you, unable to tell a zombie from your friend Jen. That’s just not your world, and you will soon expire.
Pull-ups
Okay, why are we wasting our time? If you’re thinking, “I can’t do pull-ups,” then that’s fine. You can’t survive the apocalypse either. If you ask us, you shouldn’t bother with any of this.
So if you absolutely insist, try out these full-body-strengthening, apocalypse-ready workouts, even though you’d surely die when you ran out of contacts. And if the Great Disaster does come, we recommend relying on ableist exoticization to convince people they should keep you around because you can see the future or something. Good luck!
