I was stuck in a Seamless ordering cycle when I heard of Blue Apron, a service that ships you a big ol’ box full of ingredients and you do the rest. It’s almost like cooking, but more like just mixing things together and heating them up. To say I was skeptical was an understatement. Can food that I actually have a part in making actually be any good? What came next surprised me: Not only did it taste good, but I felt turnt af!!! I mean shit was lit!!!
The 10 minutes prep time and 20 minutes cook time felt like a decade, but at last my Roasted Cauliflower Panzanella was complete. I hesitantly fed myself one spoonful of the traditional Tuscan summer salad and WHOA. Something strange happened. My heart rate immediately shot up, my pupils got dilated, and my hands started to shake. I had to stand up and shout “YASSSSSS” to no one in particular, something I haven’t done since I first tried molly in college. The seasoning was perfect. Fucking perfect. I started dabbing—something I didn’t even know was a thing! At first I thought I was just enjoying the shit out of my Blue Apron dinner, but then I realized I might be turnt.
What would have been another depressing takeout night ended up with me rolling my tits off on my kitchen cart.
Two bites in I was up, twerking my ass up against the fridge. FUCK. I went from shoving forkfuls of in-season fresh veggies in my face to ripping my top off and whipping and nae-naeing. I suddenly started sweating profusely, and don’t get it twisted it was not because the dish was too spicy, ‘cause that shit was seasoned PERFECTLY. I ran around my apartment furiously trying to find someone to order bottle service from. In the end, I just ended up popping open a Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider, drinking half the bottle, and pouring the other half the bottle all over myself as I danced frantically to a remix of “We Found Love” by Rihanna.
I just never thought of my self as one of those cooking people!
I have always blacked out before I finished eating, and when I wake up I am usually covered in panko breading and glitter, so I guess I will never know if I am just thrilled with the way my Blue Apron dinner came out or if I was truly turnt the FUKKKK UP. Either way, I will continue to get my thrice weekly boxes of Blue Apron, and I will continue to let the effects of fresh farm-to-table ingredients have this effect on my body.
This article is not sponsored by Blue Apron, nor Rihanna.