Even in our contemporary society, the dream of “being a princess” is still something many little girls aspire to. But beyond a critical understanding of gender norms, it’s also vital that young people understand that the fairytale lifestyle isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. And I’m speaking from experience; a team of mice and birds help me get dressed every morning, and they fucking suuuuuck at it.
A lot of people fall under the misconception that it must be whimsical and charmed to have a little horde of rodents and sky rodents getting you ready in the morning, and who knows? Maybe it would be if they had any taste or fine motor skills, but mine don’t, and frankly the whole thing is making my life worse.
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, because my team of mice and birds seem to have no hobbies or purpose in life other than acting as my unsolicited stylists, but they really are fucking terrible at it. For one thing, they’re extremely tiny, and though they work in collaboration, it takes them forever to do anything. I mean, you should see these guys trying to navigate belt loops. But if I’m like, “Let me just do it,” suddenly I’m the asshole because they have no sense of self beyond getting me ready to make a quick grocery store run.
I know that the mice and birds’ obsession with clothing me comes from a place of love, but often while they’re poking me with their gnarly beaks and scratchy little claws, I find myself making a mental note to Google “mice and birds lifespan”. They’re constantly trying to put me in wispy little indoor scarves like I’m Johnny Depp in 2011. It’s a waking Hell.
Also, I hesitate to even bring this up because honestly I get secondhand embarrassment for them saying it, but they sing the entire fucking time they’re dressing me. And their voices? Not good. Not to be graphic, but imagine Alvin and the Chipmunks castrated. Like, I don’t know, take a class or something? This is literally your only job.
So really what I’d want people to know is that the grass is always greener, and you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. My life might seem quaint and idyllic because I’m dressed by mice and birds, but it actually fucking sucks. And on the flip side, if you’ve ever judged me for having a heinous outfit, now you know why!
