Finding the perfect man with the perfect penis is a rare occurrence. When you do find him, you mustn’t let him go, even if that man has 7 children from his late wife, and the only way you can get close to him is to teach them all important lessons through song. Here are 7 Von Trapp children I’d teach in exchange for that premium Daddy Von Trapp dick.
Gretl
Little Gretl is the youngest Von Trapp and consequently has the most to learn. I will teach her everything from arithmetic to musical notes, so long as it buys me more time with the General von Trapp which is what I call Captain von Trapp’s dong.
Friedrich
I once caught Friedrich joylessly eating hard boiled eggs in the middle of the night and we never talked about it. Anyway, I’ll continue to teach Friedrich with instructional songs if it means I get to hop on the Captain Daddy von Dick stick every night and sometimes during lunch.
Liesl
Here’s your lesson Liesl: Your boyfriend is a Nazi collaborator. Anyway, you’re really not in a position to pass judgment on the lengths I’ll go to in order to snatch some of your dad’s WW2P (World War II Penis). Have you looked at your dad lately? You may be 16 going on 17 but I am late twenties-ish and, ya, I’m goin’ on his dick.
Brigitta
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye, Brigitta. Go to bed because your dad is about to lay pipe, and if I don’t get that Von Trapp dick down I simply won’t have the energy to sing about whiskers on kittens with 7 Austrian homeschoolers tomorrow. Do re mi fa so la ti DICK, bitch!!
Louisa
Ah, Louisa. Another blonde child. No one should be surprised that Daddy von Trapp is the Lord of Dick considering how many times he managed to impregnate his wife before she died of scarlet fever. RIP but also thank you for leaving behind all this blessed peen.
Marta
Marta is actually pretty cute and while I never pick favorites among my students, once I marry her father whom I already bone daily, she will unquestionably be my favorite stepchild. Even if she put a pine cone on my chair as a prank, I’d be ok with it because I’m sitting on her dad’s pine cone (his dick) literally all the time.
Kurt
Which one even is Kurt? Seriously, no mental image is springing to mind. Whatever, I’ll teach him too. God, there are so many of you. But I’ll simply remember my favorite things, one of them being Von Trapp wiener, and then I won’t feel so bad!
So there you have it! All the Von Trapps I’d teach in exchange for that Daddy Von Trapp dick. Alright, time to blow my little whistle and summon the dick to me.
