Are you pretty sure your man’s going to propose, but worried he’s going to mess it all up? Your Pinterest board may be full of princess-cut halo engagement rings with rose gold settings, but it’ll all be in vain if he gets on one knee and can’t slide the ring past your chubby hobbit knuckle. If you want to be sure your proposal pictures won’t be you ugly-crying next to some rustic barn with your man shrugging at the camera like “What’d I do?” then let him know your ring size with these totally normal hints.
Write it on your steamed-up shower door.
After you take your shower, use your finger to write your ring size into the steam of the glass door. You won’t have to make a peep when he starts his own shower and watches the steam reveal your secret message! If he says he’ll shower at the gym instead, don’t panic: Most men will get married at some point.
Spell it out in his breakfast.
Wake up and smell the coffee! Today’s the day you let him know your ring size with a delicious, balanced breakfast. You won’t have to say a word as you arrange slices of honeydew, banana, and orange to spell out your ring size in a fruity, flirty clue! When he passes up your sweet arrangement for a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats, brainstorm some names for the children you may never have.
Fly a blimp over his office.
Give him the surprise of his life by renting a blimp with your ring size printed on the banner and flying it over his office building. It costs about $10,000, which is worth avoiding the embarrassment of telling him directly. When you text him to look outside and he texts back that he’s in a meeting, start researching radical feminists who say that marriage is modern-day slavery.
Have it displayed on the Jumbotron at a Knicks game.
He might be out with his boys for a Guys’ Night Out, but you’ve got plans of your own! Spend five hours on the phone and secure a spot on the Jumbotron for your romantic ring size message. When you call his friend Mike to make sure he’s looking at the screen and Mike tells you he’s not with your boyfriend and you find out he’s been lying and cheating on you for months, burn the stack of “Save the Date” cards stacked neatly in the first drawer of your desk.
Pray on it.
You’ve never really been religious, but you’ll believe in an omnipotent, divine being if it means you don’t have to bring up your ring size in conversation. Get down on your knees, pray to God, and humbly ask Him to speak to your boyfriend through divine intervention. When God doesn’t answer, think about the Vera Wang wedding dress you bought last month because you knew you were getting married and check on the return policy.
Have a meltdown and tell him at a Noodles & Company.
It’s been a shitty day. Start to weep into your fettuccine Alfredo. Gnash your teeth and pull out your hair. Hurl your bowl of pasta at that couple sitting in the booth across from yours. Fucking lose your shit. Scream, “It’s a size 6.5!” as you climb on top of the table, smearing tomato sauce across your chest. There! You said it! It’s done! You were brave. Certainly he will reward your bravery with a lifetime of wedded bliss. If he says he didn’t realize you thought you two were dating, fuck every guy who works in the restaurant and call it a draw. You’ll get ’em next time!
We all hope for the perfect wedding proposal, and these subtle hints are sure to get you a stress-free, foolproof engagement! Now relax – you’re on your way to marrying the man of your dreams!
