You’re 32. You’ve got things figured out. But that certainly won’t stop Natalie from putting in her two cents. She saves your life from alcohol poisoning ONE TIME in college freshman year, and all of a sudden she’s your keeper for a lifetime. You almost wish she left you for dead instead of forcing you to hear her constant opinions on every little thing you do. Here’s a list of seven common tasks you’re perfectly capable of doing without Natalie’s input:
1. Making a Grocery List
You don’t need to put everything in order based on the aisle. You’ve been shopping at the same store every week for years. You can remember what you need without Natalie inserting some cool lifehack she heard about on The Today Show. Oh, you just passed the pears? You KNOW pears are on the list! Maybe you’re just not ready to get them yet! Get the pears when you feel like it. That’ll show her who’s boss.
2. Following GPS Directions
Yes, you’re aware it wants you to turn right. If you put my blinker on too soon, the car behind me will think – you know what? Fuck it. You’re not even going to use a turn signal. How’s that feel, Natalie? She’ll say her signature, “Oop!” Just one singular oop, because multiple “oops” is enough to make you notice her constant, passive-aggressive involvement in your life. Let her stew in that oop. There’s no turning back now.
3. Brushing Your Hair
Oh, so Natalie noticed an “excessive hair build-up” on your round brush when she used the bathroom? What was she even doing examining your hairbrush? She thinks you brush too hard? Natalie hasn’t even seen hard yet. Show her you mean business by telling her, “Oh wow, interesting!” and then changing the subject. When she sees how detached you are from her meddling, she’ll shit – again.
4. Picking Out a Tinted Moisturizer
Wait – that color does wash you out a bit. Natalie actually might have a point on this one. Maybe it’s okay to let Natalie have this.
5. Drinking Water
There’s only one fucking way to drink water, Natalie. How could you POSSIBLY be doing it wrong? Do you look dehydrated? Sure, maybe your new tinted moisturizer is giving you a dewier glow, or maybe you’re drinking water perfectly fine. How does someone even “open up her throat more”? Get out of here.
6. Satisfying Your Husband, Sexually
How does someone even “open up her throat more”? Get out of here. SERIOUSLY, get out of here, Natalie. This is a private bedroom.
7. Vacuuming
Oh, your vacuuming strokes are erratic? Actually, if you make Natalie go to the top of the stairs, she’ll see that you’re spelling out “BUTT OUT, NATALIE!” Yes, you mean it. And don’t go tattling to the RA’s like you did freshman year. Ugh, I know we’re in our 30s Natalie, it was a joke.
In the end, Natalie’s going to give her input either way, so just do these tasks however the fuck you want.
