Of all the bummers women have to deal with – periods, breast self-exams, dieting – the biggest hassle of all is certainly the rebel terrorist organization ISIS. The daily reports of atrocities in the media are enough to give even the fiercest lady a serious case of the blues. But fear not! Balanced nutrition is the best way to manage your stress levels, and maybe even keep ISIS from executing more foreigners. It all starts from within! Here are some radical choices you can make to take down the bad guys.
If you’re struggling with your weight, a bag of chia seeds should be the next thing you recruit to your kitchen. Not only do these little bombs of protein help fight free radicals, the intense hit of omega 3 will give you paramilitary strength to fight actual radicals. Almost entirely tasteless, chia seeds are your new go-to for a yogurt stir-in or a salad topper. For extremists: Soak them in almond milk to make a pudding gross enough to torture any terrorist.
A favorite snack of stars like Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon, broccoli has long been feared for its power to make your insides go cray-cray. A daily dose of florets will build up your resistance, and fill your gut with life-ending farts. You can gas your enemies while still complying with the Geneva Convention.
Blueberries are a great way to purge unwanted nasties and up your energy levels without caffeine! This will help you focus while you’re piloting drones from a hidden underground bunker. Enjoy one cup of blueberries each day blended into a smoothie, sprinkled over granola, or eaten straight out of the plastic container. Packed with vitamins C and K, blueberries will be your secret weapon! Besides the drones, of course.
A longtime staple food of UN hottie Angelina Jolie, almonds are your new go-to for targeting problem areas on your body and in Yemen. The Pentagon recommends lightly roasting them and sprinkling them on top of oatmeal for a meat-free complete protein. They have the best cafeteria!
Your mom was right all along! Not only do these wallet-friendly fruits keep the doctor away, the thick skin on the outside of the apple will remind you that human bodies are just objects so it’s okay that you’re possibly killing more civilians than you are insurgents. For an added protective boost, serve with a healthy protein like a protein bar or a protein shake or a protein ball or a protein protein my god am I becoming the very monster I wish to fight?
When you’re dealing with extremists, there’s no need for moderation – so hurry up and finish that bottle, girl! Red wine boosts heart health and makes you less focused on what’s happening to all those poor Coptic Christians and captured journalists. If the terror threat is keeping you up at night, red wine is your new bed friend. Or, you know, vodka.
Be fearless with your food choices in the face of ISIS!