6 Soy Candles To Mask the Scent of Childless Desperation

Aromatherapy can solve just about anything, but which scents are best for stifling the rising panic about the state of your childless womb?


1. The Hippie One

Eucalyptus and lavender smell like nature, reminding you that YOU’RE Motherfucking Nature, fertile as Earth herself (if this round of In-Vitro works out).


2. The Pretentious One

French lilac and fig will obscure any smell of shit from your miserable, tiny dog as you silently wish for a diaper full of human excrement.


3. The Soothing One

Hand-poured Tahitian vanilla bean is a rich pairing to your mother’s tearful pleas for grandchildren.


4. The Floral One

Gardenia and rose will eliminate any odors associated with the ticking of your biological clock (You know the ones we’re talking about).



5. The Exotic One

Nothing like patchouli, musky amber, and sage to literally get your juices flowing. You ARE ovulating, right?  You’ve still got some left?


6. The Overpriced One 

“Summer in Capri” might sound vague, but just focus on the hand-blown glass made from salvaged volcanic ash in which it is contained. Someday soon, a child could prevent you from affording such empty indulgences. But don’t bet on it.