As a mom, it’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling jealousy toward your child’s caregiver. It’s important to know that your feelings are valid, but completely misplaced, so here is a comprehensive list of ten ways you are unequivocally better than your child’s nanny:
1. She and your child have formed an attachment – Your nanny is the person your child cries for when she is sad or not feeling well; not you. That means you’re free! You can go to as many social events and take as many vacations as you like because your child won’t even notice you’re gone! Go you!
2. She speaks three languages – Let’s be real. There’s no way someone who is “fluent” in three languages can actually be good at all three. You only speak English, which means your brain has more room to really focus on just the one language. So there, Gerta!
3. She pays attention to your children – When your nanny watches your children, she actually interacts with them instead of renting Frozen on the iPad and reading a magazine. Your kids love Frozen and she’s keeping them from what they love. What a buzzkill!
4. She is only medium hot – Yes, she is German, three inches taller than you are, and uncommonly fit, but you asked your husband and he says he’s not into “tall women” and she is only “medium hot,” which is basically not even hot. Booyah!
5. She knows your child’s needs – You’re too busy to know things like your child’s favorite color or what foods she’s deathly allergic to, but your nanny can call all of that to mind at a moment’s notice—what a waste of time! The joke is on her because you save a ton of time not asking questions about what your child wants for her birthday.
6. She changes way more diapers than you do – This is self-explanatory. Poop is grosstown. Another point for mom!
7. She is experienced – Your nanny already has two happy and healthy children of her own so really the love and care she is giving to your kids is just sloppy seconds compared to the occasional affection you’re giving them.
8. She is a nurse – Your nanny worked as a pediatric nurse in Germany for seven years before moving to the US. But so what! You carry an expired box of Hello Kitty Band-Aids in your purse, most of the time, if it fits!
9. She listens to your child’s nonsense – Your child is very cute, but when he starts asking a thousand questions about the subway system, he is annoying as all hell. While you’re out talking to actual adults with fully developed frontal lobes, your nanny is explaining express trains. You win this one, HANDS DOWN!
10. She truly loves your child – Your nanny loves your children as if they are her own. Only a sicko would love other people’s kids that much. Seriously, who has time for that? You’re a well-adjusted human being and she’s a boring, old nanny!
When you arrive home tonight long after your children have gone to bed and walk past your exhausted and dedicated nanny knowing that you’re way better than her, just remember: your nanny is super lame for constantly anticipating and flawlessly meeting your kids’ needs. Not you. Score!