Poop or Baby? How to Read Your Body’s Cues


A woman’s body is full of mystery, and unlocking its secrets is all about listening. Learning to listen for subtle changes in your body’s natural balance will help you determine whether you are giving birth to a baby, or need to take a massive poop.


Clue #1: Belly Distension

Belly distension can be a sign of a poop OR a baby, depending on severity. If you find that your belly grows continuously over almost a year, to the point at which your belly button pops out like some sort of disgusting abdominal nipple, then chances are you’re having a baby. If you find your bloating to be smaller and more temporary, and to be accompanied by gas, then congratulations! You’re having a poop!


Clue #2: Something is coming out of your vagina/butt

Feel something large beginning to inch its way out of you, but you’re not sure if it’s a poop or an actual head that’s starting to crown? Use a small hand mirror to “check yourself” and determine where your little darling is descending from – and that should be a sure sign of whether it’s baby or poop.


Clue #3: You had unprotected sex and now you can’t stop farting

This one is a tricky one, because it could be a post anal fart-fit, or it could just be prenatal gaseousness. Try to remember, if you can, whether you most recently had vaginal intercourse or anal intercourse, and then remember this simple phrase: “If you took it in the twat, then you’re having a tot. Up the ass? That’s poop gas.”



Clue #4: Emotional Cues

Listening to your emotions can be helpful as well, as they often will reflect what is happening in your body – 98% of women said they experienced feelings of unrelenting shame and regret while giving birth to a child, while 100% of women report feeling pride, elation, and even euphoria while birthing a particularly large turd.


But remember, you could be having a poop AND a baby, so make sure to check the bowl before you flush to make sure little sally newborn isn’t swimming in the stinky.