Public proposals are just a way to get attention, and even without a wedding in your future, you deserve that attention just as much as the next lady. Why not try bring all eyes back on you with a distracting bodily function? Whether at a family holiday gathering or a stranger’s flash mob proposal, you can select the perfect body function that will get everyone talking about something besides that dumb old wedding.
Farting
Farts are classic and beloved, which makes them a great addition to any family gathering. If your cousin tries to make the family dinner all about him by proposing to his dentist girlfriend, you just need to let out a fart that will erase all other memories of this event. When your family hears your perfect, well-timed fart, no one will remember any popped question as they burst into tears of laughter and disgust.
Urination
Urination is the subtlest of the bodily functions, and the perfect compliment to a quiet, sincere proposal in a park. When that guy hands that ring to that girl, open the floodgates and let it all go. Hard. As the urine forms a wet pool at the bottom of your trousers, yell, “Oh, that feels good!” Immediately, everyone within earshot will be wondering, “Who is this woman?” and “Should we call the cops?” No one will remember the future Mr. and Mrs. Whoever-They-Were anymore, because this moment is about you and your urine.
Bleeding
If you find yourself in a normal situation that turns into someone’s flash mob proposal, it’s hard to steal the spotlight. However, nothing stops a party like a lot of blood. So once you hear the start of that Bruno Mars song, smash your fingers in a door, break a glass in your hand, or just fall face first on the sidewalk. Your dripping blood and pained wailing will surely make you the most memorable part of this engagement.
Tears
Tears always come in handy when strangers decide to get engaged at a fancy restaurant. When that bride-to-be sees the ring placed on her crème brulee, go to town and bring on the ugly cry, with audible sobs. Once you have salty tears running rivers through your mascara, you’ll be the darling of the restaurant and nobody will care about that cheesy proposal by the chef’s table.
Vomiting
Performances are minefields of public proposals just waiting in the wings. If seeing a lead actor drop to one knee during the curtain call makes you want to barf, trust that instinct. Barf everywhere. Your vomit will cause the entire audience to either vomit themselves or exit the theatre, leaving you as the real star of that proposal.
Pooping
New Year’s Eve is ripe for dramatic midnight proposals. You can make sure Auld Lang Syne is Auld Lang Mine when that ball drops by dropping trou and squeezing out a rock-solid yule log of attention. No one’s going to be looking at the newly engaged couple when you have made a firm New Year’s Resolution on the floor at the middle of the party.
Navigating public proposals are tricky, but with your own natural bodily functions, you’ll be sure to always be the center of attention. Who needs a diamond ring when you have your own bodily fluids?
