$50 Serums to Put on Your Face Instead of Eating A Vegetable

Apart from hormones, genetics, and sunscreen, we all know the secret to happy skin lies with what you put in your body, not on it. But with that being said, we also all know that staying hydrated, eating a balanced diet, and sleeping are hard work, plus none of them come in a cute bottle that promises to shrink your pores. Here are three $50+ serums to put on your face instead of eating a single vegetable.


Superfood Facial Oil (Elemis, $55)

This superfood facial oil is formulated with daikon radish, flax seed, and broccoli seed oil, so that it’s almost like eating a salad, only way more expensive. But look, we’re not judging. Buying the ingredients for a salad doesn’t provide the same rush of pleasure and regret that comes with putting in your three-digit security code to complete the purchase of a name brand facial oil full of antioxidants and sweet, seductive promises you know it can’t keep. Even Sweetgreen is only, like, 14-ish overpriced dollars!


Banana Bright Vitamin C Serum (Olehenriksen, $65)

Consuming some vitamin c would definitely do you good, but who has the time? Instead, buy this $65 serum that contains ferulic acid derived from asparagus. Yeah, like the vegetable you can buy for a couple of bucks at the store. But hey, you don’t get to rub a piece of asparagus on your face before bed and let yourself momentarily indulge in the delusion that it’s going to perform a miracle. Though actually, you really could. In fact, rolling some cold-from-the-fridge asparagus stalks on your face might be exactly as effective as this one fluid ounce bottle of oils that will cost you multiple hours of work to afford. Either way it’s more fun than putting an earth food in your mouth!



Effalalr Serum (La Roche-Posay, $45)

La Roche-Posay! How could something so French not be worth $50? (trust us, the shipping will get you over the threshold). This serum is pore refining and anti-aging — Okay, wait, seriously, bitch? Why are you worried about aging when you’re under 40 and should be worried about how you always have a headache, stomachache, and insomnia? If you’re so worried about the future, put this $45 in a retirement fund and go eat a sweet potato. Sorry, sorry. We lost our cool. You should totally buy this! It has Hydroxyethylpiperazine Ethane Sulfonic Acid in it, so, you know, that’s probably good.


So take your skincare and your mild shopping addiction to the next level with these fifty-dollar serums! Ultimately, whether or not you eat vegetables is up to you and is not a moral issue, but having perfect skin totally is!