Brunch is life, but that doesn’t mean you’re ready to share the spotlight with your very fancy and overpriced Bloody Mary. Like yeah there’s grilled shrimp, seven types of cheese, turkey jerky, a mini biscuit, and an entire genoa salami just screaming for everyone’s attention, but you have a really funny anecdote you’ve been dying to share, and you’re not about to be one-upped by a drink. Here’s how to make sure that gorgeous brunch bev doesn’t get all the glory.
Make fun of tomatoes.
One sure way to take your breathtaking Bloody Mary down a peg is to make fun of tomatoes. You can diminish that cocktail’s swag by commenting, “Like, are they a fruit or a vegetable? What a hot mess of a produce item, lol!” and then swiftly take center stage by segueing into your take on Making a Murderer.
Keep it at your feet at all times.
If the girls can’t stop ogling your one-and-a-half-foot-tall Bloody Mary and keep commenting on the bacon waterslide straw, take sips of your brunch drink while keeping it firmly on the ground, under the table and out of sight. This way you can give everyone a real chance to notice and compliment your new balayage without being distracted by the queen of all morning alcoholic bevs.
Turn your back on the accoutrements.
Show that gorgeous, spicy dream-drink who is boss by ordering a huge breakfast even though the Bloody Mary is likely 1,000 calories thanks to the slice of deep-dish pizza acting as a koozie. Once the squad sees that you are so totally over this drink, they will be way more likely to laugh at your jokes and ignore the dazzlingly decadent ornaments adorning it.
Stand on your chair while you talk.
If you still aren’t getting the attention you deserve even though you went on a hilariously bad blind date last night, try standing up on your chair while you talk. Everyone will have to crane their necks to see you, so they definitely won’t be looking at the Bloody Mary and the tiny baskets of fried shrimp that are hanging from its rim. Slayyy, kween!
Try a new lipstick.
Sometimes you just need to step away from the table and collect yourself. Dash off to the bathroom to put on your new lipstick and hopefully when you return, they’ll be so impressed with your color choice that they won’t notice that somehow your Bloody Mary is roasting a tiny suckling pig atop its surface. It’s YOUR time to shine!
Cry.
Guess what your Cheeto-dust-rimmed Bloody Mary can’t do? That’s right: show emotion. A great way to shift focus back onto your relationship issues is to just have a straight-up breakdown. Hell, someone may even knock over your cocktail monstrosity in an effort to console you. And you know what? It’s fine—that drink is an attention whore and you never should have trusted it in the first place.
So whether or not you end up enjoying the way your Bloody Mary tastes, you can at least enjoy the way undivided attention from your close friends tastes. Win!
