We all make mistakes. Thankfully, with the gift of hindsight, we can look back at our mistakes and learn from them. One of the worst mistakes you can make is not listening to Mariah Carey when you 100% should have been. Here are some crucial moments from your life when you should have welcomed the elusive chanteuse into your world.
The Day You Lost Your First Tooth
Your favorite song as a kid was the novelty classic, “The Wheels on the Bus”. It was all you wanted to listen to! But you were an idiot. What you should have been listening to during these formative years and bodily changes is Mariah’s super sultry smash hit, “Touch My Body”.
Winter of Sophomore Year
Remember those nights when you got super depressed because you had braces way after everyone else got theirs off, and you would sit in your room with all the lights off and listen to “Asleep” by The Smiths? Well, that was a fucking dumb idea. You should have been listening to “Fantasy”.
The First Dance at Your Wedding
You and your bearded husband spent hours debating what song to have your first dance to, and in the end you both agreed on “Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Are you kidding us with this dated hipster nonsense? Who are you trying to impress? You and your boring granola boy should have been krumping HARD to “Obsessed”. Good luck staying married!
Grandma’s Wake (Specifically the Tuesday Evening Service)
After 93 years, she finally went to heaven to chill with Pop-Pop. What better way to remember her than with an a cappella rendition of her favorite hymn, “Amazing Grace”? We can think of one, you asshole. How about “Heartbreaker”? Jesus Christ, you know that video is unbeatable. Did you even love Grandma?
The Apocalypse (AKA Right Now)
With the incredible revelation that we are not alone in the universe came a wave of death by means unfathomable to the human mind. The screams of your loved ones fill your ears. It is all you can hear. But are you really gonna go down like that, you fragile coward? Crank up “We Belong Together” and prepare for battle.
No one is perfect. Not even the “Imperfect Angel” herself, Mariah. But we both know you can be better. Learn from these mistakes. Do it for her.
