As the days get longer and the air gets a chill, we say hello to autumn—and all the hearty recipes that come with it! While we may miss the picnics and barbecues of summer, there are plenty of delicious vegetables coming into season that, while tasty, are forbidden for a curse has been cast upon them by a scorned witch who lives at the edge of town. Beware!!
Brussels Sprouts
Whether they’re on the stalk or pre-cut, Brussels sprouts are a versatile autumn vegetable sure to blacken any lip that grazes its hearty leaves. Affordable and delicious, Brussels sprouts were recently hexed by the village witch and will prove deadly to anyone who dares test her power. Does anyone know why she’s doing this? Roast them with an easy salt and pepper seasoning—if you have a death wish, that is! Brussels sprouts are cursed.
Eggplant
At the center of many fall menus you’ll find eggplant, which you can easily make into an entire entrée as your final act among the living. The eggplant is known for its round shape and purple color, just as the boils on your body will be should you dare cross the witch by eating one. What exactly has gotten her so mad? Eggplants are delicious, but are they worth it? The wind is howling your answer: “Trryyyyy zucchiniiiii insteeeeaaad!!!”
Cauliflower
A favorite for vegetarians and meat-eaters alike, cauliflower is a flexible base for many dishes, all of which are toxic if consumed because cauliflower is cursed by the town witch, who has an unhinged anger toward the vegetable lovers of this village. Cauliflower is one way we pay the price. Do not even think about it, for even then your thoughts may rot your brain from the inside!
Beets
TAKE HEED! Beets, both yellow and red, are rich in taste, packed with vitamins, and cursed beyond comprehension. They’ll be a hit with any dinner guest, until they cause your gums to bleed and your skin to blister without any warning. We’re not sure why the witch is doing this, although we’re pretty sure it has something to do with the farmer’s market. Beets go wonderfully in a salad, roasted with oil, or pickled, and will cause your internal organs to spill right out of your body. They just slide right out in a flood of viscous, blackened blood. Have not even a nibble!
Pumpkin
The most deadly of all cursed-by-our-town’s-vegetable-hating-witch vegetables, pumpkins are not to be eaten. While most townspeople tempt fate by simply carving and displaying pumpkins as decoration, more and more daredevils are ingesting the blighted things: pureed in a zesty autumn soup, stuffed and baked with cheese and French bread, seeds toasted on a lightly oiled cookie sheet—all of these and more are excellent ways to explode into a thousand baby spiders upon the first bite. If our town would just move the farmer’s market like she asked, maybe our fall menus would be free of black magic. But until then, have a nibble of this classic gourd—if you dare!
So there you have it: some great vegetables coming into season that will have deadly consequences should you approach them with your mouth. Eat up—or don’t, if you value your life!
