It can be hard to remember of all the ways a modern woman is supposed to make a man fall in love with her – especially when each method seems to contradict the last. Be assertive! Be aloof! Make the first move! Make only the last move! There are too many ways to snag a man to count! That’s why I stayed true to myself and made my man fall in love with me by simply dominating an all-you-can-eat buffet – and you can, too!
Most people start by grabbing a plate, but that’s where most people go wrong. It’s going to sound obvious once you hear it, but you can empty out the breadbasket and fill it with food. Genius, right?! When my man saw me filling up a wicker basket with a bounty of cheese, ravioli and carving-station meats, completely dominating the entire hot food section, he was suddenly and inexplicably filled with the warm fuzzy tingles of new love. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I dominated that buffet so thoroughly that I actually did the reverse.
A lot of men want a woman who “loves to eat”, but for some idiotic reason they also want her to be a tiny and starving waif. What a lot of men don’t realize is that is they will immediately rethink the whole waif thing when they see a strong, beefy woman house an entire cornucopia of deviled eggs. Or conquer a dessert table with a blind fervor only comparable to the men storming the beaches at Normandy. I utterly destroyed a buffet table on our first date, and my man basically tore off my clothes right after we were politely asked to leave.
He saw me go in for seconds and then thirds on a deviled eggs/chicken teriyaki/baked ziti combo and got weak in the knees. He watched as I drank directly from a bowl of hollandaise and felt his heart flutter.
When I knocked over the entire buffet table and then set it on fire with one of those self-contained sterno flames, proclaiming myself “Queen of the Golden Corral”, he got down on one knee and proposed.
I spent my whole life changing myself for love, but in the end, it all came down to unleashing my inner animal and just utterly destroying an all-you-can-eat buffet. Sure we’re legally barred from entering a major chain restaurant, but it was all worth it to finally have the man of my dreams.