You’ve got your mom’s sense of humor and your dad’s dimples. But what you probably haven’t considered is that you also inherited their white-hot sex moves. The next time you’re getting hot and humpy, take a moment to acknowledge the parents who paved your sexual path before you! Here are the five sex moves that you’ll probably pass along to your own children one day:
Standing Sex
Know why you love this position so much? Because Mom and Dad couldn’t get enough of it in the 80s! Your dad always told you the value of hard work and a job well done, and what’s harder and more rewarding than standing sex? Ever wonder why you’re so diligent in matters both professional and sexual? It’s ’cause your folks were laying the groundwork during this formative period of acrobatics on their futon!
Woman on Top
This is the move that started it all. Why? Because it’s what your parents were doing when they conceived you! Details and school lunches weren’t the only thing your mother was on top of—she was also on top of your dad! The next time you mount your guy, give thanks to the woman who came before you.
Missionary
Oh, you think raising you and your sister was easy? You’ll understand when you’re lugging a minivan full of brats to Six Flags Great Adventure. Go ahead, write off this move as boring, but a half-hearted commitment to sex through 30 years of marriage has made you the attentive lover you are today.
Reverse Cowgirl while Garth Brooks Plays in the Background
You and your boyfriend Max tried this one ironically, but this move’s a Mom and Dad classic. Six years out of menopause and your mom finally found the libido that must’ve gotten buried in the uterus you and your siblings nearly destroyed. That’s why she dragged you along to all those Garth concerts. Your parents would be so proud!
69
You bust this one out from time to time, usually around birthdays and holidays. You know who’s not doing much busting? Dad. This marriage has been crumbling for a while now. All those years of bad fighting habits have left them with only one option: shutting each other up with some perfunctory mutual oral pleasure. One day, you’ll also use this move to explore your own dead passion for a person you can no longer look in the eyes. Now you know where you got it from!
It’s not just that stellar personality you inherited from Mom and Dad. It’s their bonin’ and moanin’ and their humpin’ and pumpin’! Next time you’re finishing, scream out their names as a way to say thank you for all they’ve done for you!
